Cassmark Cassifieds and Sarcasties

The Cassmark Cassifieds & Sarcasties (from newest to oldest)

Florida Georgia Line? No, what in the actual fuck? Who signed this shit? Weren't both of those guys on that Grounded for Life sitcom?

Pretty witty yet safe to say that each and every one of us in some peculiar way takes music for granted no matter how enchanted hey!

"I'll Never Get Tired of You" by King's X is one of those songs that I 'dUg' since I was 5 years old.. Even the song says that it's tired of me.

Noticed that many relatives are taking on the physical shape of a croissant. Nothing wrong with that. Again, I'm sorry for biting your arm.

I guess the saddest part of it is all of the scenarios I created of my Dad being an old man who figured out how to quit drinking. RIP Dad I love you.

How many fingers from each hand are required to perform a five finger death punch? Because thumbs are not fingers. Is it 4 from one hand and 1 from the other? 3 and 2? 25 or 6 to 4? Does it matter?

Had a nightmare that Donald Trump kept praising me for having a much higher IQ and a larger penis than him.. What a bitch.

You know at the end of it all, Trump is going to pull a Francis at the end of Pee Wee's Big Adventure, a 'none of this change would have happened without me'..

If you try to say hi to me while I'm out riding my bicycle, don't get upset if I don't notice. I'm likely in meditative breathing drum-mode.

Saw Wayne Gretzky on a Jet Ski sipping Pepsi with an ESPY in his lefty righty tighty was a kitey high and mighty so excitey such delighty!

"Never thought I'd stall, you're my wonderwall, I'm getting semi-metal over you." - Robot Dorsey feat. Oasis

Heard Sting's "If I Ever Lose My Faith in You" for the first time in many years. Forgot how good of a song it is. However, there was a time that it was super-overplayed and I'd lost my faith in it.

When Flex Seal guy Flex Tapes his boat bottom and gets surrounded by sharks, I'm not worried; he'd Flex Tape the fuck out of their beaks.

No, Paul from the Wonder Years is not Marilyn Manson. Dude, there's Google around these days, and you can look that shit up in seconds.

Deep Blue Something. "Is it 'Sea'?" No, it's 'Something'. "Deep Blue Bunny Ice Cream?" No, it's a band, not a brand, and it's 'Something'. "Deep Blue Yonder?"..

Life can be summed up as post-modernized abyss. Ain't that a bitch? I'm butt-deep in riffs. Control alternate shift.

Songs about Monday hit me hardest on Tuesday, Tuesday songs hardest on Wednesday, etc.. Probably because I have to wait six days to feel it.

People don't believe in the wonders of the sea, like the Fairy God-Lambheaded-Manatee, I don't even know where I was going with this one.

Nothing against them or any musicians for that matter.. But how come the trashiest people end up playing Buck Cherry on the jukebox?

Has there ever been a ska band named "The Bonertones"? Please tell me that there's been a ska band named "The Bonertones".

Cassboard Confessional: I can't hear Naughty By Nature's "Hip Hop Hooray" without hearing the Kool-Aid Super Fruity commercial.

Someone asked me who sang the Family Matters theme. Now, I could've said Jesse Frederick, but I opted to say Rod Stewart. Did I do that?

Who started the staring creepy-faced 7-second selfie videos? Was it the Kardashians? Ya know, you can literally record with sound for hours?

I still find the song catchy and all, but Michelle Branch's "Everywhere" either consciously or subconsciously takes layout from Des'ree's "You Gotta Be".

I woke up looking at my digital alarm clock upside down. I thought that it read hOE, but it was just trying to tell me that it was 3:04.

What the world needs now is Dancing Baby Cha Cha. It's the only thing that there's just too little of.

Classic Chicagoland TV commercials.. Wouldn't it be rad if Eagle Man flew into the Empire Carpet Man's room and pooped on his plushness?

Live. Love. Laugh. Learn. Lemmy. Lassie. A licky boom-boom down.

Race is not real. Race does not exist. Like, scientifically. Still, racist people and racism are real and do exist. I don't tolerate it.

It's not uncommon, not building a mystery, I don't wanna end up on the wrong side of history, viewed as white male can feel a bit blistery.

I heard that rabbits multiply fast, so I held up a flash card that said "5 X 6 = ?".. A rabbit came running out of a berry shrub and bit me.

Many musicians quip that they wish they wrote "Happy Birthday" for the royalties.. I wish that I wrote "She Drives Me Crazy" for same.

Ever read some old cassette tape or cd booklets and wonder if the mailing address for the fan club is still valid?

I was asked to describe Tom Hanks in one word: "Stoic".. It was as exact opposite as I could get on the spot like that and all.

Come to think of it, I've never even met one Juggalo that's even remotely reminded me of a "juggling gigolo".

I woke up at 4 in the morning and randomly turned on the TV. Two episodes of the '90s Swamp Thing show were on. I cried. No, really.

So, which do you hear: Laurel or Yanny?.. I heard Fartsy. Did anyone else hear Fartsy? I'm gonna go ahead and hashtag Fartsy. #Fartsy

My overall favorite moment of the 2018 Royal Wedding was when Queen Elizabeth grabbed the mic and slayed Rapper's Delight.

Cassboard Confessional: I just want to meet someone that carries and uses handkerchiefs. And then ask them why.

My grandmother was very adamant about this, and she didn't jumble her words around: "Never talk to stew rangers." Life saver. Game changer.

Snakes are just elongated necks-for-bodies. I'm only making fun of snakes because science told me that they can't comprehend human writing.

Anyone in this day and age wanna hear my version of "The Aristocrats" joke??.. LOL you'll be glad that you didn't. I'd give Bob Saget a run for his money.

Isn't it a funny feeling? When it feels like November in May? And it's actually December today? What the hell did I just say?

Top 3 Movie Titles I Use in Daily Convo That I've Never Watched: 1. How Stella Got Her Groove Back 2. Bend It Like Beckham 3. Honey, We Shrunk Ourselves!

It's about to the point where I'll need to translate the meanings of seven or more emojis used in succession.. Still, I less than three thee.

What can I say about Donald Trump that he hasn't said himself? He'd make a really awesome solo fart porn artist? I'm sure he's addressed it.

Real hipsters have at least 2 framed Spin Doctors posters, possibly autographed.. I only have one. That what I said now. Just go ahead now.

"Livin' in the city, Tamagotchi kitty, Puff Daddy to P. Diddy, P. Diddy to plain Diddy, Diddy back to Daddy, Daddy becomes Laddie." - The Curious Case of Puff Daddy Button

My mom asked me, "Was that Lady Godiva or Joan of Arc that rode naked?".. My obvious response: "Lady Godiva, Ma, and then there's Maude."

Eternal Champions in your basement, is where I'm taken to, sleepovers on the weekends and Jock Jams Volume 2, in Murray Flexor blue, Jeffrey, I'll miss you.

I'm the kind of wry, in which instead of saying pie, I'll say slapstick missile, and then throw it with accompanied whistle. -(Place audio)-

I'm hardly even joking when I say that I'm so bad at creating visual art that the last time I tried drawing a realistic bird, it had lips.

"Memories are, like, how you compare the warmth of the current Sun to the pastime, distanced, desensitized one." - Jim of Cassmark

I see a little silhouetto of a Zatarain's Man. Scaramouche, Scaramouche, will you do the red beans and rice-o?

Cassmark Poll: Which have you done more - Lie about how great your friends' ugly tattoos look or lie about how adorable their ugly kids are?

Wibble wobble, television gibble gobble, cobble hobble, Sammy Hagar Cabo Wabo, can't drive five five bibble bobble wobble.

'Dr. Katz, Professional Therapist' was one of those shows that I assumed was probably really funny but wasn't sure of because I wasn't mature enough.

Country-western music.. There's a country-eastern music, no? Would the Mississippi act as the divider between the two? Cue Dueling Banjos.

I'll never know how I got to this, but '90s kids tend to confuse Jeff Gordon with Jeff Burton and Ted Kaczynski with Timothy McVeigh.

Raindrops keep falling on my butt, but that doesn't mean my cheeks will soon be closing shut, drying's not for me, 'cause I'm never gonna stop the rain by retaining.

Ever meet a Glen & Dale by the glen/dale in Glendale? I have, and it's pretty funking rad.

Cassboard Confessional: Still proud of that one time when someone asked what a 3-letter clue for 'Tina's Ex' was and I said "Ted"..

Once, I tutored a priest in geometry.. He thought that I said circumcise, but I said circumscribe. Thanks, anyways!

If anyone took a ride down an active Electric Slide, they'd probably look more like they were doing the robot than the actual song dance..

"Yummy, yummy, yummy! Got a cookie in my tummy! Koala Yummies! Koala Yummies!" - Crossing Guard Lady in the Commercial

Jim's Top 3 Fave King Crimson Albums with Color: 1. Starless and Bible Black 2. Red 3. Lizard [Lizard is a color, right??]

Using the term "rocket ship" these days is far more socially acceptable than using the term "space boat".. Don't @ me.

Believe it or not, in my alphabetized list of albums by artists' names, The Verve Pipe comes directly after The Verve!

One of the funniest, most wrong things one can do is correct someone saying, "Whoever interrupts me..." by budding in with "It's whomever."

Wish I would've known then what I don't know now, wish that I knew how to ride a cow, wish that I invented ShamWow, my cat wishes meow.

Cassmark's Top 3 Nine Inch Nails Punned Names: 1. Twenty-Two Point Eighty-Six Centimeter Nails 2. Eight Inch Brads 3. Spine in Snails

I sing the body electric, my country's still not in metric, quite the breach of ethics, I'm hardly but a skeptic.

Hearing Daniel Powter's "Bad Day" probably wouldn't cheer me up if I heard it while having a bad day; I'd become downright pouty-faced.

From my experiences as a younger lad anyhow, trying to lie to a trained police officer is kind of like telling someone about your deciduous potato tree.

"Remember that one show, 'Mr. Freeze, Medicine Woman'? I think Dr. Harley Quinn was in it, too." - Mixmeister Gets Shit McTwitsted

And the Award for Most Tempo Fluctuation in a Single Performance on a Classic Syndicated Sitcom goes to: "Good Time Music", The Brady Bunch.

"Lowest common denominator, lofty ass numerator, I fight just like the Terminator, I fight just like the Tomb Raider." - The act of division

Standing in line, this lady in front of me just starts nailing every single inflection to the end of Mary J. Blige's Everything. I was amazed.

I know some old-school rockers that are so about the rock, if you were to mention "exotic music", they'd be thinking Seger's "Katmandu".

Top 3 Bands That Get Incorrect Credit for the Song "Hooch" by the Band 'Everything': 1. Sugar Ray 2. Sublime 3. Smash Mouth

I'm making mustard gravy, I'm ranked in the KISS Navy, my baby uncle's lazy, I'm thinking that you're crazy.

Now if Einstein was so smart, I'd like you to please tell me why he didn't daub on a bit of lipstick before his photo shoots?

Ever hear a ghost note? Well, if not, it sounds a little something like this: "Boo! Boooo beware!! I'm a ghost note!!!"

On the real, when's the last time you seen a Raggedy Ann and/or Raggedy Andy doll somewhere?

Like the Cadbury Bunny, like a wide-eyed Tom Poston, you fill up my senses, come fill me again.

If by reading you mean transforming squiggly lines into specific meanings by way of collective human hallucination, then fuck you.

My ethnicity? I'm one-half Microsoft, one-quarter IBM, one-eighth Britannica, and one-eighth wonder pony.. Did you just call me a hybrid?

Wanna hear a joke? Did Methuselah smoke? Hit with the okie doke? Are you, like, baroque? Pay in artichoke? Croatoan, Roanoke?

Really, really love Miami.. I've never physically been there, but I've seen Will Smith's video so very many times that I know enough to say.

..And there was a two-and-a-half year period whence it was a tough, tough decision to chooseth between the cassette and the CD..

Ever look at a jumbo baby carrot and wonder if the little devil is actually a mislabeled baby jumbo carrot?

Cassboard Confessional: I'm still upset that the Empty Nest dog isn't named in the opening credits.

To tell the story of the Wisconsin Foxconn plant being built on the old University of Lawsonomy land, it would take at least 8 different Alanises on a bus in the 'Ironic' video.

I've had epiphanies with Tiffanys in Tipperary Prairie, I'd like to be more scary, half diva Aretha/Mariah, a soapy-rope lovey-dove pariah.

Given the commercials anyhow, I'm thinking that would be more properly named

For over 20 years now, I've been telling myself that I'll get around to checking out some Harvey Danger songs other than Flagpole Sitta.

'Did you know?': That there are more memorable parts in Ram Jam's "Black Betty" than there are combinations on a 3x3x3 Rubik's Cube?

All I am asking is for someone to hand me a big bag of money and then watch some card tricks.

To me, the most discernible thing about M*A*S*H is the synonymous feeling that I get whenever I hear the names 'Hawkeye' and 'Radar'.

I mean, if there were some sort of afterlife, how many people would just end up spending it in search of another afterlife?

Just came up with the word "trajectitude".. Dude, I don't what the hell it means, I just thought that it looked pretty!

Cassmark Poll of the Week: Which cover act would you be more willing to see based solely upon the name.. Elty Joel or Billton John?

Censorship is the worst. Censorship will come first. Censorship feed the thirst. Censorship like Fred Durst. Censorship cursed, dispersed.

I knew in naming the album that the Barenaked Ladies had an album titled "Stunt".. I wrote a song about this: "It's All Been Done".

Let me guess.. This upcoming season, The Simpsons will have a Disney World vacay episode?

The preponderance in verisimilitudinous efforts given the ones super-egocentristic enough to pretend to be in charge of shit makes baby cry.

I wonder if the J.G. Wentworth singers knew that they'd made it while recording their opera jingle?

Cassboard Confessional: Besides the actual music, RATM and SOAD seem like strikingly similar bands to me. It's cool, tho.

How sarcastic am I? When going past the old, abandoned Walmart store, I lightly whimper to the building, "I thought you said Always.."

I just did a worthy freestyle over the Matlock theme.. Damn, it's times like this that I wish some agency was filming my every move.

The porn store by the interstate has a sign in the parking lot that says 'NO SEMIS'.. You know what that means: Guys, boner up.

Overhearing these white men talking about 'time travel', they always went to the past and not to the future.. Hmm, I wonder why that is?

It's hard to make fun of celebs these days. I'm all over here like, "I don't wanna name any rapey perv fucks for any reason."

The football team and coaching staff put up with me as a guest coach until I questioned if we should 'challenge' whether or not the refs should have creased their pants.

When someone calls you 'goofy', chances are that you're probably quite so. When someone calls you 'A Goofy Movie', chances are that you'd have been a Goofasaurus in the Goofassic era.

Pernicious plunder, Ponderosa potaters, peppermint polka dots, pneumonoultramicroscopicsilicovolcanoconiosis phew.

Ye Ancient and Secret Order of Quiet Birdmen? Beyond the reach of Keewee and Modock? Does this have something to do with the Vlasic Stork?

I asked the Kool-Aid man what came after 'L-M-N'.. He said 'OH YEAH!!'

Remember those childhood days when we really wondered whether Alex Trebek was the smartest person ever? Ah, sweet innocence. And now we know that he is.

Within a dream, on Dream TV, Welcome Freshmen and Hey Dude within the hour. It's sweet and sour, bed brainpower, meteor flower, Virgin's Bower.

A guy once asked me if I'd ever seen a jackalope.. Taking the high route, I said, "No, but I think I see a jack-off-alope."

Ya know - A needle in the forest, the leaf in a haystack, one in a feather, birds of a million - Dids I getsy rights?

Jim's Top 3 Old AIM Screen Names: 1. scottduhasme 2. fathornyman 3. for_heavens_sake_its_baby_cakes

Wanna buy some used gloves? They were only worn a handful of times. Get it? Tee hee hee ba dum dumm drum solo yes I just did tee hee wink.

May I suggest where you are? Nestled between fine lace and fig bars, of a time before the flying cars, within the war for governing Mars.

"You're some kind of Wonder Bread." - Grand Bun Staleloaf

For Halloween this year, I'm either going to dress up as Mayweather entering the fight against McGregor or as the Ghost of Hoagy Carmichael.

Like baseball has designated hitters, I wish that football had designated end zone touchdown dancers. I'd do that. Dance in pants.

Just get on some funky, repulse the monkey, stump the trunky, stick the spunky.

If you had a million dollars, would you spend it all or would you give it all to charity? Got to find a reason why your money's all gone.

Even Al Bundy and Jefferson cringed out of character when saying the line about who was opening for The Captain & Tennille, The Carpenter?

Everything's a symbol, and everything's a pattern, Frosted Flakes remind me, of rings around the Saturn.

Top 3 Funniest Things Jim Tried to Get Backstage with: 1. Stick of gum 2. Corky Romano VHS 3. Piece of paper with 'Guest Pass' written on it

Seinfeld was a spin-off of Alf. Underscored 100. I can explain. But don't worry. I won't.

Amiable, but am I able? Amicable, but am I cable? Amino? Am I, no? Froyo robo Kublai Calico dojo yo-yo jukebox Toto.

"Thoughts are like trinkets of thistles from banquets and bristles on blankets as whistles to anklets." - Jim of Cassmark

A good time for everyone to admit that they're a big ball of love. Not like a testicle ball, but more like an exercise ball.

If someone says 'no problem' in response to one of your suggestions, reply 'no, a solution'.

It's true: The endings to the theme song for The Jeffersons and GNR's "Paradise City" are really similar.

Tip from Jim: If you want to spice up your hiccups, try sounding like Sonic the Hedgehog does when inhaling a giant bubble underwater.

Jodie Sweetin aka Stephanie Tanner never watching an entire episode of Full House vs. me watching most episodes several times. How rude!

Force fields of yesteryears, source fields of balladeers, horse fields of rabbit ears, Morse fields of musketeers.

Bloopy blumpkin blubber bear, seven-toed spirit sloth, bird that pecks out like a pre-igniting stove top clicking sound at 1 in the morning.

1999 : Limp Bizkit, Korn, Kid Rock :: 2001 : The Strokes, The White Stripes, The Hives

I recall hearing a Violent Femmes' interview about a new album. They essentially said, "Why? Just ask about Blister in the Sun, already."

One of the most let down times of my life was when I got to go into the teacher's lounge to make copies. Thought it would be more special.

Wish that I could've been around the moment that Pras was listening to 'Islands in the Stream' and started coming up with 'Ghetto Supastar'.

I'm more interested in calling out the actors and what else they've been in more so than I am the actual show or movie itself.

Hello life, good by Columbo, I've got a feelin' that you're gonna be jumbo, da doobie doo got that look in his eye, it's a Falky day.

I tried playing Myst the other day. I was so pissed. Forgot that it was a bunch of clickies and still shots. Maybe I'll retry Riven?

The orthodoxy of orthodontists with orthotics has an omnipotence that obligatorily objectifies the ooh-ooh of onomatopoeic observances.

I remember exactly when & where I was when hearing that Captain & Tennille separated: In line at a grocery store. Yes, I teared up bagging.

"It's a family affair, it's a family of hare." - Woodsy Owl

Just as I was finding some weird kind of inner peace, the whole world seemingly went mad. Doesn't Dr. John have a song bout this?

I get a lot of questions about my "WWGS?" bracelet. It stands for "What Would Groucho Say?".. He'd say that he wanted royalties.

Zinger of a dinger, whopper of a popper, ringer of a finger, dropper of a proper.

Peasy Weasy what's his name? Peasy Weasy Peasy Weasy what's his game? Fuzzy Wuzzy wasn't fuzzy, was he? Peasy Weasy Fuzzy Wuzzy derba dee.

Ready for the solar eclipse. I'll be watching while blasting U2's "Staring at the Sun" from my phone, tears of joy trickling down myself.

Cassmark Poll of the Week: Which movie soundtrack do you prefer - 1994's 'The Crow' or 1997's 'Lost Highway'?

First. Phil Collins sent me here. #YOLO Share 4 a TBH. Like if you're watching in 1977!

Racism is stupid. Come on. I figured that since I was a child. Does it not come naturally for some? Is it how, where, by whom we're raised?

I like Santa. I like the Wizard of Oz. I like the Tin Man.. Just not enough to see an August display set up at the store.

Now, I'm not trying to offend or upset anybody here.. But, baby Jesus farting fetus godspeed penis Chester Cheetus vaginer Venus.

Cassmark's Random Album Shoutout of the Week: The Get Up Kids - "On a Wire"

Go ahead, start the convo with "so". I don't prefer it, though. You never did this long ago. What happened to you? I'd like to know.

When I was starting out, I asked one of my heroes to 'Like' a Cassmark site. The response: "No, I will not like the Foo Fighters." Touché.

Cassmark Poll of the Week: Which movie soundtrack do you prefer - 1996's 'Romeo + Juliet' or 2003's 'Garden State'?

On a rainy day, looking out the window, I imagine Carnival playing; hypnotized, mesmerized, memorized, Merchantized, Tiger Lilyized.

Cassboard Confessional: Off the top of my head, I could only recall two lines of 'On Top of Old Smokey' vs. all of 'On Top of Spaghetti'.

Every song about a Tambourine from the 1960s that I know has the words "jingle jangle" in the lyrics somewhere.. That would be two songs.

I'm thinking that the first people that reveal a universal teleportation device or an invincibility cloak will be the winners of humanity..

Even when I'm baking with the likes of Betty Crocker or Duncan Hines, Poppin' Fresh will show up and want that yeasty tummy poked.

Thing about supporting a team, political party, religion, genre, brand, etc.: Anything you're allowed to choose is in the same league.

Mosquito? Mesquite, oh! Mess key toe. Mas Quito. Meh ski tow. Maw skeet owe..

This is not a revolution, this is not even rotation, this be like a bad moon rising, this be like device flotation.

Cassboard Confessional: I've yet to meet anyone named Kyle over the age of 60.

Are Choose Your Own Adventure books still being published? If you answer yes, turn to the next page. If you answer no, turn to page 1984.

Which would you rather visit: The room in the "Virtual Insanity" video or the room in Sugar Ray's "Fly" video? Personally, I'm on a fence.

"Boar, hoot, good caw, what is it good for? Absolutely nothing, listen to me!" - Woodsy Owl

A good friend passed the other day, what am I supposed to say, wish I could take away, wish we were made of clay, wish I could save the day.

Gettin' the knack, gettin' the notion, rubbin' my back, SPF lotion, fish in the sea, shark in the ocean, sippy my tea, powerful potion.

Tasteful or tacky? A porn star name and costume get up based on Dog the Bounty Hunter, Dong the Booty Hunter? Tactful?

Ever since I was young, I have assumed that the Cowntess character from Pee-wee's Playhouse was based on the character of Aunt Bee.

Seeing someone driving a DeLorean blasting JT Money's 'Who Dat' the other day was one of those "have I been drugged?" moments.

Goosey goosey duck duck, wish I had a million clucks, and if your name is Freddy Finch, you've got all the luck luck.

I've either been considerably enhanced and/or wasted by/on laugh tracks, different film qualities, and well-scripted plots. Whatev.

Why is this toilet paper scented? Dare I wonder why? And why am I smelling this roll? Now why am I licking a ply? I'm just a wonderful guy.

If Jim Croce didn't tragically pass, I bet he might've written a song where "don't mess around with" Slim fought "bad, bad" Leroy Brown.

They said to make it funny, so I introduced the group as "Codumbia Records Reekording Fartists".. At least the sound guy laughed.

How many people did you know that used to quote every Ace Ventura line? 3. How many of those people turned out to be good? 6. Alrighty then.

'Did you know?': That Jefferson Airplane started out as a group of kid friends forming a band known as 'Jefferson Choo-Choo Trolley Train'?

Before the remasters, it was impossible to distinguish if they were singing 'Love love love' or 'Blah blah blah' on "All You Need Is ____".

No no, it's totally understandable if you confuse RHCP's 'What Hits!?' and 'Out in L.A.' solely based on their album covers.

Cassmark's Random Album Shoutout of the Week: Frank Zappa - "Jazz from Hell"

A pro rock act was doing a popular cover song. Lead guy asked the audience if they knew the song. Off mic, asked bass player the same thing.

Cassboard Confessional: I think about Burt Mustin on a multi-daily basis. He's in dreams on a multi-weekly basis. I'm listening to Oasis.

I want to meet Donald Trump, but only to call him Tronald Dump to his butt, giggle like a little school boy and then run away.

Why don't more people speak in binary code? 01010010 01101111 01110011 01100101 01100010 01110101 01100100

'That smells loud.' - "You see, all you hear is all you smell, all you do is all you tell, all you are is rather swell!" - 'What the hell?'

Cassboard Confessional: I think that I would actually be starstruck if I were to ever meet the Naked Cowboy.

I don't mind the Weird Al comparisons. That's because he is smarter, funnier, more disciplined, and an all-around better musician than I am.

Connect the Slip and Slide to the Crocodile Mile and ride head first through an intersecting, buddy-thrown hula hoop walking the dog.

"Overly sad? Imagine how it was 200 years ago. Overly happy? Imagine how it will be 200 years from now." - Stan the Shithead Sundial

Speed up, you move too slow, you got to make a cup of Joe, just knocking down a couple of those, looking to run and feelin' coffee.

Cassmark's Top 3 Aerosmith Compilation Album Covers: 1. Pandora's Box 2. Gems 3. Big Ones

"Need I say more?".. Well, dumb ass, apparently so. Apparently so.

"Hey now, you're of Grayskull, get your grave on, go slay. Hey now, you're a Skeletor, get your hood on, obey." - He-Man

All the toughy roughy strong bands have a pic in front of a brick wall or building.. I can always picture them punching holes right through.

He's the big man on campus, she's artsy while creating on canvas. "She's All That" - 9pm tonight on Cassterpiece Theatre.

Does Earth, Wind & Fire coverage also include my Genesis and Phil Collins albums in case of an upcoming disaster? The horn section gets it.

Cassmark's Top 3 People that Might Host Jeopardy! when Alex Trebek Retires: 1. Ken Jennings 2. IBM Watson 3. Robot Trebek

Within a froggy dream, leaping bounds and in-between, midnight to a moonlit green, lily pads a boggy scene; Ribbit, I am the frog whisperer.

Strictly according to songs that he crooned, Frank Sinatra was born and raised in the little town of Chicago, eventually making it to NYC.

So, Biggie's 'Juicy' from '94 comes on the radio. From the line "Blow up like the World Trade", the "World Trade" was bleeped out. Wha?

All the things that u can c, they're seeing u, so go hug a tree. To tell u of this, I'd just let it b, go join Gold's Gym, join the r me.

Top 3 Band Names Copyrighted by Jim: 1. Mannequin Ramekin  2. Faultblame 3. The Buttless Chapsticks

If you come at me with only a milli, probably gonna make you feel silly.. If you come at me with one-hundred milli, gonna show you my dilly.

I woke up at 3 something in the morning because Shadow Dancing came on. I danced through it with shadows, prayed to Cher, fell back asleep.

Perhaps it's just me, but I wonder what a vocal harmony from the singers of Canned Heat and The New Vaudeville Band would've sounded like?

Coker yoker, cocker yocker, Bam Bam Barnum Ma'am, eldest Elvis, fertile turtle, trading twerking for tears and the cast & crew of Charmed.

He took me there by the hand, footprints on embellished sand, told me of the ancient land.. I said, "Give me the best pot that you've got."

When I hear either 'You're Unbelievable' or 'Epic', I end up thinking of the other one as well. They're not that similar. Idk wtf it is.

I'm at the point in life of Andy Griffith Show watching to where I notice when Ange laughed as if a laugh track would likely be added there.

Even if you're in a Hot Space and To the Extreme, don't ever let being Under Pressure turn you into Ice Ice Baby.

Does the Invisible Man have invisible poop? I think so. Probably even after it leaves his invisible butt.. Don't quote me on that shit.

I was eating bread while listening to Bread all whilst realizing that the uniloaf was a giant, tasty, flaky-crusted, ever-rising bread.

"Scrub" isn't a dated word. I still use it all the time, TLC stylee. Tell me, if a scrub is a guy that can't get no love, who's dating him?

By with henceforth hereto there there what's more than less therefore everywhere as if sometime past the enter into exit only whence ousted.

If I were alone in a forest with no one or nothing else around, I'd still be 'sounding' music in the same manner.. I'd also grow some pot.

As the Eyes Wide Shut VHS was running, the Creed CD was playing. It just so happened to be on repeating With Arms Wide Open. Coinkydink?

Not sure what I'm more disappointed by: The oldies stations that play zero Zeppelin or the oldies stations that play Zeppelin on the hour.

If you traveled time before humans existed, there would still be those tornado sirens that get tested at the same time weekly.

Who invented garlic? Man, that shit's good. Was it John Garlic? I know him. He's alright.

Vowels: The difference between sittin' on the dock of the bay and sittin' on the dick of the boy.

Cassboard Confessional: I was 23 years old the last time that I put the "I said bollars, not dollars" clause into effect after losing a bet.

Sometimes, I used to call people Pervis Ellison instead of calling them a pervert.. In hindsight, people probably didn't relate the two.

Once when asked, I told someone that "We're an American Band" was done by The Guess Who.. I didn't think that anyone got it, so I fessed up.

It's like Robbie Dupree's "Steal Away" was an awesome take on "What a Fool Believes". Then, "Let's Get Physical" came in and took from that.

"We got a lamb, ram, fang-mustang and a caw la la la la la wing. Lamb, ram, fang-mustang and a caw la la la la la wing." - Silver Woodsy Owl

This marks my 13th year of vegetarianism! I know most every carnivore reading this wants to beat me with a leg of lamb, but I'm still proud.

Am I right? One of the weirdest feelings in the world is when you try to high five the air with your other hand while stroking it.

Ya know, it's seeming more and more reasonable that Donald Trump is just Andy Kaufman's last disguised character role..

Every time that I use the phrase, "Crazier shit's happened before" about something, it is likely that crazier shit has not happened before.

Bitter? Never. Butter? Always. Better? Equal. Batter? Rickey Henderson. Botter? SmarterChild. Blotter? Near the fountain Quill.

I sincerely believe that every single human being on this planet is both the absolute best & worst at something. Me? I am/have the best ass.

'Forgotten Moments in History': January 19th, 1882 - Disposable gloves accidentally invented by cow-condom factory-worker.

Something tells me that if Chuck Berry had primed in this day and age, he would have ended up writing a song called "Roll Over Pavarotti".

A guy walked up and proceeded to tell me that he plays with his dinky to some of my songs. I did the right thing.. I asked him which ones.

My New Year's Resolution: Get autographed poster of pink-haired girl from LazyTown professionally framed.. This will be a great challenge.

I was only making sure that you saw my horizontal peace sign. Call it an "eye poking" if it makes you feel special.. You and your semantics.

While watching "Who's the Boss", this commercial with a new World's Most Interesting Man runs.. Why the fuk? Am I watching 'Who's the Boss'?

I saw Mommy kissing Santa Claus, but I saw Daddy kissing Rudolph on Donner.

I got bling bling, it's my Jostens class ring, it says 2003, I was just a baby, customized ice, before the Bo Bice, as fresh as John Tesh.

Tip from Jim: Lightly tap your fingers as fast as you can over a computer keyboard. There you have it. The drum intro to 'Hot for Teacher'.

Hey. Ever wonder if the Jolly Green Giant has matchstick carrots and/or alfalfa sprouts for pubic hairs??

"I'll just be over here.. In the picklepod of your yesternod!!" - Jim of Cassmark

Let's take a moment to reflect on the importance of The Three Stooges sound effects guy. A genuine complement to their hilarity!

If you'd like to be a member of the Cassmark Street Team, just go to a street corner and start violently screaming "CASSMARK!" at passerby.

I think we're alone now.. Damn it all. Nevamind, Tiffany and The Shondells are still here. I'll make some coffee and bust out some biscotti.

Wonder what Chuck Berry thought when he first heard the opening guitar riff for "Fun, Fun, Fun"?.. Probably thought "Johnny B. Goode".

"With all of the stupid writings that's he's always coming up with, I didn't expect him to be so damn professorial." - Noam Chomsky on Jim

You're telling me that the Amazon company now has its own rain forest?.. Wow! After all, I guess they can afford it!!

You're a class act.. And by class act, I mean in a class action lawsuit. I'll be representing you. Here's my number. Call me, baby.

LOL Cass Status: Stacy's Mom has got it goin' on, but Stacy's Dad's the best I ever had.

I think that the mental image of a bunny rabbit laying an egg is so sensible, realistic, and cute that there must be something to it.

The best episode of 'What Would You Do?' had special guest The Amazing Kreskin. And he was amazing. And so was The Amazing Marc Summers.

Do you believe in Cher after Cher? I can feel something inside me swear I really do think she'll quite compare!

Top 3 Places Where Jim Finds His Guitar Picks: 1. On his butt 2. In his butt 3. Near his butt 4. Honorable mention: In his mouth

Son of a Sea Biscuit. Say, build me up, buttercup. What's a dillhole? You got me? I hope you're paying attention. This could be on the test.

Taco Bell once had a commercial in which Shadowy Men on a Shadowy Planet's song "Zombie Compromise" was used as the background music.. WTF?

I just read a rather well-worded sub-headline: 'Decision met with derision; precision met with provision.' Okay, so I added that last line.

"Whales have blubber butts, dolphins have bubble butts, marlins have buttery butts, and sharks have beefy butts." - The Gorton's Fisherman

"You're so vague, you probably think this song is about who." - Carly Someone

Jere-Moe-a was a bull stooge, smacked a good Larry Fine, I never understood a single word Curly said, but I helped him throw some pies.

Whittle out a fiddle, skittle out a diddle; just a little raunchy, just a little staunchy. David Copperfield, make that train disappear.

I have one, count them both, one question for you today: What is Brexit and does it have to do with Britain's Got Talent?

In the mews news: The Moody Blues Suing Meow Mix Cats for Stealing Bridge from "Ride My See-Saw" for Brand's Themed Jingle

"Long walks on the Zebra Cake, dancing with the Star Crunch. Bitch, I'm a Nutty Bar riding a Cosmic Brownie to the future." - Little Debbie

Given that 2016's Game 6 was his first NBA Finals, I think that Craig Sager should get the MVP for outstanding garbsmanship. Great jacket!

"Maybe the alligator ate your baby?" Hmm.. Not quite as heartwarming as suggesting that it was a dingo.

Brothership, Mothership, fellowship, battleship, membership, dealership, craftsmanship, leadership, censorship, when I dip you dip we dip.

Tip from Jim: If someone asks for payment in the form of tender, just get behind them and start gently caressing their back.

In the news: Microsoft Purchases LinkedIn for $26.2 Billion, Pair of Bill Gates' Used Khakis

I've learned that people will forget what you said, people will forget what you did, but people will never forget how that ass looks.

If you quack like a barking turtle, the wings of a mountain deer will be granted to an underwater lounge lizard-eating sperm bear.

I typed this message with my nose.. I can only wish that I was kidding right about now.

Never really figured out why there are two back covers to Green Day's 'Dookie'.. One with Sesame Street's Ernie on it and one without.

It goes down in the Dm.. As in D minor? As in F# goes down to F natural? Ah, it's all coming back, it's all coming back to me now!

Oopsy! I thought that I was being instructed to kiss Ace freely, but I was just being informed that it was Ace Frehley from Kiss.

Here is a picture of Jamiroquai's closed eyes: {..}{..}. Here is a picture of Jamiroquai's wide eyes: [ o ][ o ].

Oh, take me by the waist, don't call my skin like paste, I am but a Billy Zane fan, I am but a Billy Zane fan.

Nights in white denim, never reaching the floor, checkers I've crowned, never meaning to score.

"The bay is watched, the lines are botched, the screen is filled with my bulging crotch." - David Hasselhoff/Johnny Socko

Spinning like a whirling dervish all the way around the roundabout gave my tummy the tickles. Tee-hee-hee.

'Did you know?:' That the Mmm's in The Dave Clark Five's "Catch Us If You Can" were later incorporated into Campbell's 'Mmm Mmm Good'?

Simple Cassmark Recipe: Add 2 parts knowing better to 1 part not giving a funk to 3 parts funky dancing. Form into a ball. Shake well.

Usually, I don't agree that punctuation should go inside of the end quotation mark.. The PEMDAS order of operations has my back.

At an Emerson, Lake & Palmer-based show feat. Carl Palmer, after a ripping set, my uncle joked, "I wonder if they'll encore with Lucky Man?"

Top 3 Places That Jim Spots The Drifters At: 1. Under the Boardwalk 2. Up On the Roof 3. On Broadway

Tip from Jim: Go to your local hardware store. Ask them if they can make you a key. When they ask what kind, point at and say 'to my heart'.

Happy Teachers' Day & Week! Just remember: without the teachers, we'd all be creatures, without the lessons, we'd all be lessened!

In the news: U2 Guitarist The Edge Becomes 1st Rock Musician to Perform at Sistine Chapel; Performs Reenactment of U2's "Numb" Video.

If I may say so, I believe that John Fogerty possesses the strength of a macaque, brute force of a mammoth, and tenure of a turtle.

'Twas the fanciest ketchup that I ever had seen, with an easy squirt cap and an Ecto Cooler green.

Troublesome is considered a word. I'd have to check a dictionary, but I'm guessing that problemsome is not.. It's a good order of letters.

Well, the first thing you know, ol' Jed's a millionaire, you're movin' with your Auntie and Uncle in Bel Air!

Breaking News - This Just In from Jim's Heart: "I love you. You are wonderful. Let's gently kiss each other's boobs."

'Did you know?': That the lion-tiger-bear equivalent of the sea would probably be the shark-barracuda-whale combo?

"Great Scott! Good heavens! Pol Pot! Three sevens!" - Jim with 3 of a Kind at Poker Game

So I'm reading that Beyoncé's song "Lemonade" hints at Jay Z cheating with a 'Becky'.. I was really hoping that the song was about lemonade.

I learned to spell fairly well because I felt obligated to make sure that the frog in Spell It Plus! didn't bust his shit on the hurdles.

For all of you Shemp haters out there.. He was one of the original Stooges. And he created the eye poke in a real poker game with Larry.

How did the potato become the staple vegetable symbolizing laziness? How about a couch squash? Couch cucumber?

Texting in movie theaters? Preposterous! Despicable! Tumultuous! Damnifying! [Text post sent from: cellphone, local movie theater]

#SoOverIt #OneLife2Live #FairytaleLife #Passion4Fashion #SorryNotSorry #JustTheWayIFeel #NoRegrets #BooyahIsHowIDoYa

Cassfucius: Say my name say my name, plug it in plug it in, jingle bells jingle bells, TaleSpin TaleSpin.

Turns out that the purported Loch Ness monster was the fake monster that Ernest T. Bass used in Return to Mayberry.. Where was that filmed?

Shenandoah, North Dakota, Ray Liotta, status quota, Dodge Toyota, Sarasota, Tom Gugliotta, not one iota.

Hm, my Moe, Larry krishna. My, my, my Moe, Larry krishna. Oh hm, my sweet Moe, Curly, krishna. Oh-uh-uh, Larry Larry.

Jim's Top 3 Laziest Successes in History: 1. Sub-Zero Color Rendering to Create Scorpion 2. Combining 2 U's to make the Letter W 3. Jorts

Wait, was 'Scooby Dooby Doo' named after those words sung in Sly & the Family Stone's 'Everyday People'?

It bears repeating: EVIAN spelled backwards is NAIVE.. And remember, MUD spelled backwards is DUM!

Dude, I told you to draw my portrait with a centaur body in ancient Greece.. You drew a damn Minotaur in Maui. I look like Benny the Bull.

Cellar door, soup du jour, sell her dwarf, tidal bore, settled war, candy store, shell your orb, stevedore.

Does not Afroman's "Because I Got High" have the same melody as The Beach Boys' "Sloop John B"?

Cassfucius: Hold your horses, get a grip, use the forces, wet when slip. Say, neigh, hay, lay.

The horsepower is useless to me.. I need to know what the cowpower, monkeypower, and Powerman 5000 are.

Paying attention to and taking an interest in only Presidential politics is like only listening to country music that's on the radio.

Your Excellency, your Highness, your Majesty: My Pinus.

I knew that The Beach Boys had taken too many vacations once they'd written a song about Kokomo, Indiana being off of the Florida Keys.

Married... with Children, while streaming or on DVD, doesn't have Sinatra's 'Love and Marriage' as the theme, but a clowny vocalless ripoff.

Where do kids get their Hi-Yahs from when throwing fists and kicks? Mine's evolved into a Ryu 'Hadouken' mixed with a Liu Kang Bicycle Kick.

'Did you know?': That to date, the most powerful machine ever built was the one that transformed Steve Urkel into smooth-ass Stefan?

Tip from Jim: Don't pour soda and pizza down the Chuck E. Cheese Band members' mouths.. They'll get sick. Except the drummer. Hook him up.

Not trying to cause any drama here, but the Uncle Wiggily board game is a much more realistic game of modern life than 'The Game of Life'.

It's often noted how incredible it was that Beethoven composed music being deaf.. I'm surprised that they never mentioned that he was a dog.

"Dear Mr. Holland, Jim has been out very late rocking & rolling. Please excuse him if he is tardy." - Bruce Springsteen

So, would you be Tony!, Toni!, or Toné!? Given that their names sound the same, your audible answer did not clarify my butter of a question.

Jim's Top 3 Funniest Things to Call Someone: 1. monitor-lizard-looking-ass 2. Zoobilee Zoo-looking-ass 3. diaper-face-looking-ass

Funny? What do you mean "funny"? Funny, like a clown? Do I amuse you? Make you laugh?.. Oh, good! Am I more like Bozo or Ronald McDonald?

Cassboard Confessional: This one time, someone asked to hear my music. I didn't have any copies on me, so I played an Usher album instead.

"On beaches of smoked paprika, taking morsels by the dorsals, heading central to ventral, to dawdle on the caudal." - The Gorton's Fisherman

'Did you know?': That the original "Smooth Criminal" lyrics were 'Annie, are you Oakley? So, Annie, are you Oakley? Are you Oakley, Annie?'

I have some hair, Bonnie Blair. I've been a-dancin', Dan Jansen. I do declare, Bonnie Blair. MMMBoppin' Hanson, Dan Jansen.

In the year 2929, if Moe is still awry, if Curly can run by they may find, in the year 3939, ain't gonna need to tell the truth, Larry Fine.

We all get parts of the videos for Jay Z's 'Excuse Me Miss' and Aerosmith's 'Love in an Elevator' mixed up with one another. It's okay, bae.

Cassboard Confessional: Every time that I see the term 'bwahaha' being used, I picture the person using it to be both vomiting and laughing.

I don't think that archaeologists in millions of years from now will be able to make sense of our times from the fossil record of plastic..

Coin Sacajawea, let's go to IKEA, taketh down the Yellow Brick Road, the Ghost of Tom Joad, alive in a toad, that's just a Pet made of Chia.

He ain't heavy, he's my brother. Don McLean levee, American Pie strummer. Bob Seger Chevy, Like a Rock trucker.

Happy 311 Day!: "Labeled psychedelic, we can play disco, when the going gets weird, you know the weird turn pro."

Tip from Jim: When a teacher asks you for your name, reply: "I am Blueberry Hill."

I always heard George Martin referred to as the 'fifth Beatle', but many people have heard Billy Preston called the fifth. Thoughts, Yoko?

Come sail away with me, Mr. Roboto, sparkling, clear and lovely, you're my lady, let's live together, brighter than the stars forever.

The early settlers would bury fish in the dirt along with various seeds.. Not as a fertilizer, but in hope of growing fish trees.

By the time I get to Phoenix, I'll be Kleenex. By the time I make Albuquerque, I'll be turkey. By time I make Oklahoma, I'll seem Tacoma.

Have I been blind? Have I been lost inside myself and my own mind? Hypnotized mesmerized pasteurized homogenized by what my eyes have seen?

Tip from Jim: Don't believe anything more than 20 minutes old. By then, history will have distorted the events to nearly unrecognizable.

'Did you know?': That Kirby's parents are a blob and was also a marshmallow?

Cassfucius: The facets of life, the Fascists of liberty, the faucets of liquid, the fossils of Liberace.

When I was a kid and Joe Camel was still in ads, it didn't make me want to smoke cigs.. It just made me want to talk to camels.

Bludge thy smudge of fudge, FernGully trudge a drudge, that Judy Judge begrudge, budge it with a nudge.

As I heard about Davey Havok possibly joining No Doubt, I wondered if they were going to change the lyrics to "I'm just a guy from AFI".

The problem with conspiracies is that the letter A as well as the destination letter Z are known, but none of the alphabet in between is.

Why, if I were rich, I'd get an industrial-sized spool-box of string, attach it to a kite, and fly it to the moon to rescue Ben Franklin!

If the Olsen Twins happen to make a cameo on that new 'Fuller House' show, will they still be switching off one at a time to play Michelle?

Those Starting Lineup figurines suggested on their packaging that they were only for 'AGES 4 TO 104'.. Would that be in months or in years?

'Did you know?': That "In-A-Gadda-Da-Vida" written out actually translates to "Avocado Burrito", honey?

It was when I was trying to show off my Kung fu fighting that everyone thought I was doing the hustle. Just try walking into this hustle.

I don't get it when people think that it's unfaithful to watch porn.. How is using the same hand while watching the same screen unfaithful?

'And I knew (I knew, I knew, I knew, I knew), she could make me happy (happy, happy), flowers in her butt, flowers were uncut.'

But really, if you normally chose to fight as Kano as a kid, you probably turned out the weirdest of us all.

Well I'm hot mustard, check in the store, I got a fever of a hundred and four, come on baby, do you do more than pour? I'm hot mustard..

Officially 12 years vegetarian. Well, I think. I did eat a Mr. Potato Head 9 years ago. That's not meat, right? There's skin, though. Shit.

The Lincoln and JFK assassinations would've had historically different roles if they respectively would've and wouldn't have been filmed.

I wonder if anyone has ever been stupid enough to think that Earth, Wind & Fire were the last names of the band members?

Remember in '99 when U2 had their 'U2K World Tour'? Yeah, me neither. But it would've been a fair idea!

Tell me that the Wurlitzer that Supertramp used did not have it's own human voice and mind. Yes, tell me. Tell me so I can call you a liar.

I wouldn't even care if the MLB players took so many steroids that they grew into winged gargoyles. Or maybe I would. That might be fun.

I've never heard any loops made from the beginning of 'You Are the Sunshine of My Life' to a beat. I'm guessing that it's a copyright issue.

'Did you know?': That in 1995, ELO sold the vocoder that they used in "Mr. Blue Sky" to Daft Punk?

Habush, Habush & Rottier: Where did Davis go? What did you do with Davis? No, I'm not accusing yous of any wrongdoing.. Where's the body?

If the Puppy Bowl keeps on evolving like it's been, in 20 years it'll be a far more strategic game than NFL-based ball.

Koko the Gorilla has told us in sign language that nature sees us. Just saying, I don't think Koko has taken on the human ability to lie.

I always felt that I could trust Donald Duck Orange Juice. It's the only OJ that I've ever seen with a mascot that wasn't an orange itself.

A book's Page is from a tree. A tree is a Plant. It all makes sense to me now: Page & Plant. John Paul Jones air water, Bonham the sun.

Curly, before I met you, I was Larry F.I.N.E. Fine, but your brother Moe me a prisoner, yeah my heart's been Stooging time.

It's tough to time jokes. Unfortunate and unexpected things happen. I was writing 'What if the members of The Eagles lost their hair?'

Cassfucius: Trials and tribulations amongst the trails and tributaries, pissings and ponderings upon the pikes and pasteurized prairies.

I remember the first time I heard Pink Floyd's 'Learning to Fly'. Hearing "A flight of fancy on a windswept field". It touched my heart.

I remember seeing the video for Pink Floyd's 'Learning to Fly'. The man turned into a bird and flew around. It touched my heart.

Top 3 People that Would Make Jim Cry if He Ever Met Them: 1. Annie Lennox 2. David Stewart 3. That's It

The best time that I've ever been let down was when I was 10 years old and Candyman didn't appear after I quintupled his name mirror-ward.

Cassboard Confessional: I tell people that I'm gellin' when I'm not even wearing my shoes with the gel pads. Ooh, that's pretty nawtee.

It's appropriate to call someone doing math a mathturbator. Unless they're doing it in a group. Then they'd be called a circumference jerk.

We've all seen the pictures of the guy in the Guinness Books with the longest fingernails. With women in the palm of his, well, fingernails.

Jim's Top 3 Favorite TV Butlers: 1. Mr. Belvedere 2. Geoffrey from Fresh Prince 3. Lurch 4. Honorable Mention: Brett Butler

If you get my humour, you should probably be asking: What the shit's wrong with me, where are my pants, and why's there an extra u in humor?

One time, I went to this public museum and one of the displays was Sheryl Crow singing "If It Makes You Happy". Ahh, memories.

I'll eat several slices of bread in front of birds to show off to them. I'll be able to fly with a little more practice. Pompous beakers.

Perpendiculative parallelity are two words that I'd love to see mean something together. So people would know what I'm saying when I use it.

Ever have déjà vu while enjoying a nice cruise through the country side only to realize that you're confusing it with the Newhart intro?

I fell into a churnin' brick of butter, I went round, round, round, and the creams went sputter. And it churns, churns, churns, the brick of butter, the brick of butter.

As a kid, I remember finding my mom's cassette collection from her teenage years and it entirely being David Bowie stuff.

Ascendant descendant, deodorant conglomerate, monkey in the middle that's funky with a fiddle.

Cassmark's Random Album Shoutout of the Week: Dan Potthast - "Eat the Planet"

If you're going to ask me to play the spoons, please make sure that they're Michael C. Fina sterling silver. It's important.

Jim's Top 3 of the Words: 1. bird 2. mum 3. word up

I'm thinking about putting these writings on that meme pic of Kermit drinking a pitcher of Lipton Tea.

Succinct, laconic, boxer brief.. Pithy pithy suck on my titty witty P. Diddy.

In the meadow we can build a snowman, and pretend that he is Carson Daly. He'll say are you married, we'll say whatever happened to TRL?

Happy 2016! May your posies flail in the wind like a vector of butternut squirrels in the nad dawning of a boo era! Love, Jim.

Could you imagine going to a Harlem Globetrotters game where they end up losing? That would be so crazy. I think I wanna have your baby.

I thought that the Beats By Dr. Dre ear 'bud' headphones were going to be made from buds of bubonic chronic.

When attempting to flick your Bic, I don't think they're talking about your razor.. Here, try it with this pen.

The whole genre thing seems pointless.. Unless you're going to use it to describe groups like The Wailers as "honky tonkin' gothic metal".

Ever see someone's handwriting that looks like yours and question whether you'd written it? I do. Especially in Times New Roman size 12.

Santa once was a young baby. Who was there to deliver Baby Santa Claus his Christmas gifts? Who did he leaves the cookies for?

A long time ago, my dad recorded over the Grace Jones part on a VHS of Pee-Wee's Christmas to tape the video for 'The Cult of Personality'.

'Star Wars: The Force Awakens' spoiler: That little girl and Wilford Brimley help the Ewoks take back control of the forest moon Endor.

You know comma no one had said that I couldn apostrophe t write out punctuation instead of use those lame symbols exclamation mark period

Cassfucius: B sharp is C, C flat is B, E sharp is F, F flat is E, naturally. Coolio.

If they would've just added the extra digit in "25 or 6 to 4" and made it "25 or 26 to 4", someone might've really cared. About time.

That's a nice fragrance that you're wearing.. What is it? Jovan Muskrat?

Tip from Jim: When someone asks "Now what are the odds of that happening?" after it has already happened, reply "Apparently, 1 to 1."

Have you ever been to the Revolutionary Amish Pyramids of Columbusville in the Nepali region of Xanadu in Trinidad and Tobago? Gorgeous.

A picture tells a thousand words. A photo tells a thousand stories. An image tells a thousand memories. I wrote this. I don't get this.

'Did you know?': That everywhere outside of the U.S., the novel 'Fahrenheit 451' is titled 'Celsius 232 with Repeating 7'?

First I'm told that the Tooth Fairy isn't real, then told that -3 is not real, and finally told that Shasta McNasty wasn't real. What a day.

Waning gibbous, waxing bulbous, crescent croissant, dark side of the doily.

If Elvis Presley posthumously sued someone for using one of his songs at a rally, it would be pretty odd.. Because Elvis is still alive.

'Mommy, what if we're the disease plaguing Earth? And all of these nasty human diseases and epidemics are cures to rid the Earth of us?'

Hey, Mr. Tangerine man, peel a fruit for me, I'm not peachy and there ain't no place I'm orange to.

I bet they would've made Bonanza more realistic if they could have.. But, if they did, every Cartwright would've died in every episode.

Albacore, albacore, on the sea shore, do some part core, don't be a bore.

'What would Orville Redenbacher do in this situation?' Mmm, he'd probably make some popcorn. And kiss me.

"They may take away our lives, but they'll never take our.. HAIR!" - Jim Cassheart

The code's from 'SPISPOPD' for 'Smashing Pumpkins into Small Piles of Putrid Debris'.. Exactly who on what came up with that?

"Don only knows what I'd be without you (Doug only knows what I'd be without you)." - The Beach Bobs, from their album "Pat Sounds"

'Did you know?': That Wikipedia was originally called "Encyclopedia Broketannica"?

Not a lover, not a hater, not a fighter, masturbator. I know you are, see ya later, alligator, masturbator.

Not even 24 hours prior to reading the headlines about the resurgence of Lorena Bobbitt, I'd thought about John Wayne Bobbitt's weiner.

'Um, excuse me, sir. This watch isn't a Rolex.. No. In fact, it has a digital display, a night light, and, not to mention, it says Timex.'

You might be a redhead if all of your tupperware is old butter containers. The original joke is redneck. But I don't want to get sued.

What did people do before they could call 911 in case of an emergency? They called the Operator, didn't they? Them slick ancient people.

'I can't complain' is not a satisfactory answer to 'How are you doing?' for me, anyhow. Let's be real, we both could complain about you.

Cassmark's Random Album Shoutout of the Week: Peaches - "The Teaches of Peaches"

That man had a lantern. Paul Revere had a lantern.. Wait a darn minute. Was that lantern Paul Revere?

Sorry for eating the auctioned off last cracker from the Titanic. Had I known, I'd have at least thought about it before still eating it.

Do you really want to know the difference between Bone Thugs and Mo Thugs? Gee whiz, I hope you have a couple of days.

Cassmercial: 'Dockers: Australian for Beer.'

As opposed to a best nightmare, wouldn't a worst nightmare be one that is really weak, unfrightening, and damn-near pleasant?

Trix is to start using a real rabbit instead of the cartoon one. I don't think that's what was meant by "make the cereal more real."

Like a fridge over truffled butter, I will weigh thee pound.

Tip from Jim: Wear a body-length mirror as your Halloween costume. When people ask what you're dressed up as, say a little bitch.

When the 'Sun King' comes on and the foreign lines of words come up, I usually just sing along with parts of Mr. Roboto.

Cassfucius: Spanish Armada, Space Armada, Spanish Granada, Space Granada, Spanish Ramada, Space Ramada.

Congrats to the Chicago Cubs in the playoffs! The Cassmark Rest of the Series Tickets winner is: Steve Bartman. Please claim your tickets.

In the Rolling Stones 'Love Is Strong' video, are the Rolling Stones really tall or is New York short?

If your child is exposed to the evils of Rock and Roll, it ain't too late to enroll them in Edna Grambo's Juvenile Rehabilitation Summer Bible Concentration Camp.

Are Flintstones Kids still growing upon the number 10 million after all this time? Shouldn't they have raised it to like 15 or 20 by now?

Cassmark's Random Album Shoutout of the Week: "I'm Bout It (Motion Picture Soundtrack)"

Well, I saw Lon Chaney eatin' a Snack Pack, doin' the werewolves of pudding. I saw Lon Chaney, Jr. eatin' a Snack Pack, doin' the werewolves of pudding.

Kiss my ASCII: (_!_)

Exact Opposite Lyrics: "If I stop you down, if I stop you down you'll always start. You've been walking cold, I got you tocking ain't gonna suck your bottom."

Ah, yes. I remember the spectacular trio as if it were yesterday: Peter, Gordon and Mary.

"House, very large, Aunt Clare's house, it's filled with junk, attic." - Cinquain by Jim (Age 30)

"Amy, very spoiled, Louann is her sister, she loves the dollhouse very much, Amy." - Cinquain by Jim (Age 12)

Cassmark's Random Album Shoutout of the Week: of Montreal - "Satanic Panic in the Attic"

Top 3 Ernest Movies That Were Almost Made: 1. Hey Ernest, It's Vern 2. Ernest Does Dallas 3. Ernest in the Outfield

This one guy was all talking about the Alicia Silverstone/Aerosmith videos Crazy and Cryin'. I was like "Hey, what about Amazing, asshole?"

'Did you know?': That the original Pizza Hut restaurant design was created by architects that used Lincoln Logs to construct the base model?

Green-eyed Larry, lovely Larry. Strolling Moe-ly towards the sun. Green-eyed Larry, ocean Larry. Soothing Curly's raging wave that nyucks.

You're still the pun that makes me laugh, still the pun that's my better half, we're still having pun, and you're still the pun.

Gerber burper, social worker, chaining jerker, shirking lurker.

Pronounce pronouns, patient patient, trance sister transistor, stationed station.

Exact Opposite Lyrics: "If you're found I can't look and I won't lose you, space before space, if I rise you won't drop me, you'll be going, space before space."

Dirigible, didgeridoo, diphthong sing along, I love you.

Cassmark's Random Album Shoutout of the Week: XTC - "Skylarking"

Be that as it May, June was here today, and July's now here to follow, so August we'll launch Apollo.

Bottle of brine, Larry of Fine, when you gonna let me get Moe-ber? Leave me alone, Curly go home, Curly go home and start Moe-ver.

The bunny's tummy ain't no dummy, don't be so crumby, funny yummy plummy, honey tummy, wonny gin rummy!

Cassmark's Random Album Shoutout of the Week: The Frogs - "It's Only Right and Natural"

Your mama sews pants and your daddy holes all his clothes. Your mama chose Chance and your daddy don't pass the Go.

Am I supposed to be scared of Mudvayne in their 'Dig' video?? Because I am.

Working for peanuts is all Larry Fine, but I can Moe you a better time. Curly, you can drive my car.

Cassboard Confessional: I cry every time at the 'Aunt Bee talking to Andy from her tombstone' scene in "Return to Mayberry".

The Capris, The Duprees, The Marquees, doo-wop-a-dee!

I think that "Mmm Mmm Mmm Mmm" by Crash Test Dummies and "What It's Like" by Everlast are telling the stories of the same three people.

It's choose or chose, hooves not hoves, grooves in groves, knews and knows.

Ridin' on Poseidon, beastin' like a lion, to the train of Zion, for the Belt Orion.

I'd rink war mirror in.

Cassmark's Random Album Shoutout of the Week: Manplanet - "Skylab EP"

Benny was a ranger, a roper and a granger, a baby in a manger, who didn't fret for danger. No, no, no! It's just Benny Bunnyhop!

Did you just say 'OMG, how bizarre'?.. I believe that you'd meant to say 'OMC - How Bizarre'!

Prophetic, prosthetic, it seems so genetic. Athletic, synthetic, it sounds so phonetic. Cosmetic, kinetic, it reads so poetic..

"I'm all about that bass on my balls, so the umpire calls, that there's a popup in his pants, and he points me to advance." - Meghan Trainor


"We've come a long long way hootgether, flew the hard times and the hoot, I have to elevate you, baby, I have to raise hoot like I should." - Woodsy Owl

When your toesies have the bluesies, like poseys in your shoesies, pull them out at the roundabout, make them cozies like a gooseys.

Cassmark's Random Album Shoutout of the Week: Brownsville Station - "Yeah!"

There's a nimbus around my limbus, and someday it will be a cumulus around my tumulus.

Cassfucius: Mental, physical, metaphysical. Gentle, whimsical, analytical. Rental, digital, unequivocal.

"Crimea River, Crimea River, Crimea River, Crimea River." - Justin Timberlake

Cassmark's Random Album Shoutout of the Week: Joey Curtin - "Going to California: Piano Impressions"

Oprah fed okra to orca in aura of opah in Omaha. Eureka for paprika from Topeka from the sheika.

Top 3 Cassmark anagrams: 1. ram's sack 2. kassmarc 3. sarcasm k

Happy 311 Day! "The shit shit shocker, the hip-hop rocker, wiser than Baraka, stronger than Chewbacca."

"Dreams are like real life without the constraint, order, illusion, or existence of the theoretical human concept of time." - Freddy Krueger

Sell out buy in, one fish two fish, green screen blue screen, baby daddy grandpa mommy, Dharma Greg Will Grace, idk.

"Hey Murphy, don't you dare trickle on my trundle!" - Fred Futon

Vividly vague, Sicily Sprague, dignity plague, slippery bagel.

By Great Caesar's Ghost. I mean Great Little Caesars salad. I mean Caesars Palace pancakes. I mean Orange Julius beverage.

What did Spock say when he found Captain Kirk locked in a monkey cage? "I find this highly zooillogical."

Cassfucius: There's ubiquity in vicinity, and it's equal to the uniquity in infinity.

Like a rhinestone shogun, flying out on exports in a new-fangled Tokyo.

"Glory, glary, gory, Gary, gooey, dairy, gluey, hairy." - Jim of Cassmark

Larry Birdy, Wade Boggsy, beans bakey, Aerosmithy; Bands and balls in clams of lands.

'Did you know?': That Eureeka's Castle is located somewhere on Gullah Gullah Island?

Cassmark's Random Album Shoutout of the Week: Kix - "Self-Titled"

"You're gonna like the way I look. I guarantee it." - The Men's Wearhouse Guy

Did you just call that Merrie Melodies a Looney Tunes? I've never seen such a blatant form of carelessness in my life!

Dog, log, permeable fog, sog, grog, jibby jabby jog.

Ravioli biter, you've been down too long in the linguine, oh what's becoming saucy? Tater chiver, you can see which types but you know green bean, oh don't you pea what I mean?

Jim's Top 3 Most Important Cha Cha Slide Moves: 1. Go to work 2. Charlie Brown 3. Reverse reverse, reverse reverse

Leopards in leotards, shepherds in Xmas cards, peppered as avant-gardes, heifered at grassy yards.

Cassmark's Random Album Shoutout of the Week: KMD - "Black Bastards"

If Al Bundy asked me about the song he knew as a kid with the only clue being "Go with Him", I'd have given him both versions..

Why does Barney always call Andy 'Ange'? Is that an appropopopropo nickname for Andy?

Cassboard Confessional: As many times as I've used the word 'unequivocally', I'm not so sure that I've even used the word 'equivocally'.

Some1 asked the room what a synonym for thesaurus would be, and I answered "Roget's" right away. I think I made them mad.. You no stumpy me.

Cassmark's Random Album Shoutout of the Week: "Green Jelly - Cereal Killer Soundtrack"

Please, close your eyes. Now, how in the world are you reading this? Your eyes are closed! Impressive!

Once, when I was a cashier, a lady gave me too much change for tea. I walked many miles to give it back.. Or was that Abe Lincoln? Idk.

If a sparrow had marrow, and the pharaoh had an arrow, then maybe, just maybe, I'd narrow the bolero, Mia Farrow.

Cassmark's Random Album Shoutout of the Week: King Crimson - "Red"

And then along comes Larry, and does he want to give Moe kicks, and be my Curly chick, and give me pick of memories?

'Did you know?': That Kraft produces enough Cool Whip in one year to fill the entire Grand Canyon?

Proofy pudding, Soupy Sales, Keiko Willy, Prince of Whales.

Larry used to work on the docks, Fine's been on strike, he's down on his luck.. It's tough, so tough.

Cassmark's Random Album Shoutout of the Week: NOFX - "The Longest Line EP"

My friend had told me a long time ago that Seal had fallen off of one of the towers in the ‘Kiss from a Rose’ video.. Boy, some friend.

Rest In Peace to my very good friend, John Deere: February 7th, 1804 - October 7th, 2014

Mirror, mirror, I'm a peerer, I'm much purer, than the leerer. Dearer, deerer, I'm a tearer, on a tierer, Richard Gere-er.

Once, I went to look at a studio apartment.. I was terribly upset that there was no actual recording studio and that it was only one room.

Sometimes it's sarcastic, sometimes it be funny, sometimes it's bombastic, and Sun-Times it's a punny bunny!

Ideas that Jim Couldn't Make Into a Complete Thought: Beneath yet bequeath, horehound, Kool Moe Dee, leather stockings.

Cassmark's Random Album Shoutout of the Week: Pavement - "Watery, Domestic"

It was nothin' but a (stomp stomp) Cyclops (stomp stomp) Triceratops (stomp stomp) Goldilocks (stomp stomp) Magnavox.

The next time you want avocados on something or want to purchase some, ask for them by their scientific name, Alligator Pears.

Cassmark's Random Album Shoutout of the Week: Aphex Twin - "Come to Daddy EP"

Cassmark's Random Album Shoutout of the Week: Macho Man Randy Savage - "Be a Man"

Apple dabble in my squabble wobble for a simple dimple to your cobble gobble.

The other day, I played the Wizard of Oz soundtrack to Pink Floyd's The Wall movie. I'm still amazed that they correspond exactly!

It's not like I go around writing things like "JockoCockoMickMoroccoPedroPacoTikiTaco"..

"JockoCockoMickMoroccoPedroPacoTikiTaco" - A Writing By Jim of Cassmark

Sweet Larry Fine, good times never seemed Moe good, I've been inclined, to Curly they never would.

The Queen of Hearts she made some tarts all on a plumber's pay; The Dave of Darts he stole them tarts and took them to Bombay.

Cassmark's Random Album Shoutout of the Week: Culture - "Two Sevens Clash"

We're so sorry Aunt Alberta, we're so sorry if we called you Mary Jane. We're so sorry Aunt Alberta, but there's no one left at home and I believe I'm gonna brain.

In the news: The Wicked Witch of the West Takes Ice Bucket Challenge; Melts.

You're once, twice, three times a gravy. And I love you. I love you.

Strange is magic, weird is science, and what I'd like to know is the Law of Abracadabra.

Washers & dryers, broilers & fryers, truthfuls & liars, hires & fires, needle-nosed pliers, down to the wires, big ass tires, plate expires.

I've just invented a device that allows a still shot of frozen space and time named a photograph.. From this day, painting is dead!

Cassmark's Random Album Shoutout of the Week: The Living Legends - "Classic"

I wonder how many people called INXS "Inkses" before they were well-known..

Cassmercial: Maxwell House - "Good to the first drop."

I'm back in the CCCP, you don't know how lucky you are G, back in the CCCP..

Chivalry, celery, Calgary, coconut, pedigree, presently, penalty, Pizza Hut.

Cassmark's Random Album Shoutout of the Week: Tracy Bonham - "The Burdens of Being Upright"

Cassmark's Random Album Shoutout of the Week: They Might Be Giants - "Apollo 18"

I tried riding my bike to Geocities' SunsetStrip, but apparently, the place doesn't exist anymore.

"Lack lust last luck, rack rust fast truck, back bust past stuck, quack just asked duck." - Jim of Cassmark

"I don't think hoot're ready for this belly, 'Cause my body's hoot hootylicious for ya babe." - Woodsy Owl

You know darn well that there's a Celtic musician out there with the last name Frost that wanted to use the name Celtic Frost.

Cassfucius: Cumbersome seam, encumber thy lumber; cummerbund theme, boy drummer a number.

Cassmark's Random Album Shoutout of the Week: Superdrag - "Regretfully Yours"

Did you ever get the feeling that you've written the same exact thing before?

Did you ever get the feeling that you've written the same exact thing before?

'Thy them then thine this than they thou though that there. Then take two lefts at the next lights.'

Cassmark's Random Album Shoutout of the Week: Tiny Tim w/ Brave Combo - "Girl"

Mobile mogul, dojo mojo, ogre ogle, nono dodo, volley folly, Quasimoto, local yokel, Marco Polo.

Cassmark's Random Album Shoutout of the Week: Daddy-O - "You Can Be a Daddy, But Never Daddy-O"

Corporate cornucopia, choreographed Corey Feldman, corduroy Corky Romano, cordless Copernicus, Corporal Courtney Love.

Audacity, tenacity, opacity, veracity, capacity, ferocity, rapacity, mendacity.. Ooh, what a city!

Cassmark's Random Album Shoutout of the Week: Various Artists - "Schoolhouse Rock! Rocks"

"Intro in trow, vs. verse, refrain reef rain, clime climb, coarse chorus, bur ridge bridge, coda co. duh." - Jim of Cassmark

Tip from Jim: When someone asks if you can break a bill for change, break it in half and tell them you have changed it into worthless.

"Granny and nanny, uncanny canny, panny my fanny, banny my planny." - Jim of Cassmark

Rough & tumble, tough & rumble, cuff & crumble, gruff & grumble, scuff & fumble, buff & humble, muff & mumble, fluff & jumble.

'Did you know?': That The Beatles were horrible tennis coaches? Yeah yeah yeah, they kept teaching their students that all you need is love.

Cassmark's Random Album Shoutout of the Week: Basement Jaxx - "Rooty"

Why is mixed broccoli, cauliflower and carrots considered the California Blend? It just seems to me that the blend existed long before 1850.

"Heed the path that led me to that place, yellow desert stream." - Dorothy in 'The Wizard of Oz'

Sugar in my tea, swimmer in a sea, sweetener in a pea, Warren in my G; Aveeno in my Beano, Vinnie Barbarino, acid of amino, Al in my Pacino.

Honeysuckle, sucklenips, nipsynucket, dripsydrips, dandydoodle, doodlelips, lipsylissy, blunderblips.

Cassmark's Random Album Shoutout of the Week: The Anniversary - "Your Majesty"

Tip from Jim: Never be with your friend when he decides to ask the drummer of a fave band why they even bothered releasing their debut.

Jim's Top 3 Aerosmith Songs He Sings and No One Knows What the Hell He Is Singing: 1. Get A Grip 2. Make It 3. Shela

If I ever meet Russell Simmons, I'll be so happy and excited to meet him that I'll probably accidentally call him Russell Stover.

I was writing four new lines of lyrics, but soon after, I realized that I had just written down the first four lines of Sum 41's 'Fat Lip'.

Cassfucius: Pop a wheelie, pop a boner, cop a feelie, on your owner.

Jim's Top 3 Favorite Roads: 1. The People's Court 2. Picabo Street 3. Electric Avenue

Cassmark's Random Album Shoutout of the Week: Various Artists - "Short Music for Short People"

Alex Trebek.

If they would allow cars to enter horse races, I think the sport of horse racing might just become race car driving.

Cassfucius: I can mash potatoes, I can do the twist. I can stew tomatoes, I can boo and hiss. I can do the Platos, I can reminisce.

The NFL changed this coming year's Super Bowl logo to a numeric '50' instead of an alpha-numeric 'L'.. But what does the '50' stand for?

Cassmark's Random Album Shoutout of the Week: The Impossibles - "4 Song Brick Bomb"

The universe is part of a triverse that is a bridge to the pre-chorus. When I figure outro what the dick this means, I'll let you know.

Shopping List: giant melons, big balloons, juicy peaches, lumpy mounds, round rack, full jugs, bright headlights, colossal cups

I'm starting with the man in the mirror.. Wait just a moment. That's no mirror! That's a window! Why are you looking in my bathroom window?


Tactical practical galactical climatical dramatical didactical are all the things that my sandwich define. Oh, de sammy fine.

Cassmark's Random Album Shoutout of the Week: Nerf Herder - "How to Meet Girls"

50 Cent's opening pitch at the Mets game.. Let's just say if he were playing darts, he would've hit the 8 ball in the corner pocket.

Top 3 Backstage Requests Jim Has for Shows at Venues: 1. Lisa Frank Trapper Keeper 2. Gerber Pears 3. Three's Company Season 2 VHS

Cassboard Confessional: Once in a scavenger hunt, I passed off a piece of aluminum foil as tin foil. They had no idea!

Cassmark's Random Album Shoutout of the Week: GZA - "Liquid Swords"

The new X-Men movie is named 'Days of Future Past'.. So I just can't wait to see The Moody Blues make their acting debut!

Ruthless Ruth on fruitless fruit, flies on pies won't compromise, sunny bunny watch hop runny, lovey the feely of the potato peely.

"If we want to figure out time travel, then we'll have to get the Cosmic Key and obtain power of Grayskull. He-Man knew." - Courteney Cox

In the news: Kraft Recalls Cottage Cheese Due to Poor Storage; Stored in Cottage Made Entirely of Cheese.

Cassmark's Random Album Shoutout of the Week: Madvillain - "Madvillainy"

Cassfucius: 'Four on the floor, eight Bonnie Raitts, twelve Keebler Elves, sixteen Mr. Cleans!'

Cassmark's Random Album Shoutout of the Week: Culture Club - "Waking Up with the House on Fire"

Tony was a dead fish that I carried around in a bucket that I found on the beach when I was 4 years old. You never forget true love.

Dental floss, Who's the Boss, Randy Moss, gain or loss, salad toss, tasty sauce, big ol' Hoss.

Merely mirrorly, dearly deerly, eerily earily, purely peerily, wryly Riley, while he wily, sheerly cheerily, tierally tearily.

Cassmark's Random Album Shoutout of the Week: Mobb Deep - "The Infamous"

Cassfinition: tubmarine (n.) - 1. A toy submarine chillin' in the bath tub. 2. A submarine sandwich eaten in the bath tub.

Cassmark's Random Album Shoutout of the Week: Genesis - "Spot the Pigeon"

There's a new age group named 2002.. It should now be considered an old age group by all accounts of my imagination, anyhow.

Flamboyantly flammable flamingo flamming flamenco flamefish, grandiosely granular grandducal Granada graniferous granola.

Bleachers is such a stupid name. They're normally painted green, red, or wood. Not bleached! Duh. Wah duh duh uh buh buh.

Got a brand new pillow. It wasn't much a thrillo. It felt a bit like Brillo. And not a pussy willow.

Proud to say that I am still getting free internet access thanks to the America Online disk that was sent in the mail in 1996!

Cassmark's Random Album Shoutout of the Week: Buddy Miles - "Them Changes"

Note to self: Don't forget to note to self your note to self about your other note to self.

I'm guessing that you're a psychologist, because psychologist is long for psycho. And you sure are psycho.

Common sense is that real mermaids have to live in fresh water. They can't survive in salt water long. Don't feed mermaids salt-water taffy!

'Did you know?': That the first ever piece of writing paper was a 1-inch thick piece of legal college ruled balsa wood?

At least where I live, there are liquor stores with drive-thru windows.. You know, because the customers might be too drunk to walk in.

James Franco might've tried to pick up a teen online. My question: How can you pick up someone with a car on the internet? Oh, like a creep?

Cassfucius: Dangle the mango, anger the dingo, mangle the tango, tangle the lingo.

Did Manfred Mann et. al realize that it sounded like 'Revved up like a douche, another boner in the night' upon laydown playback?

Cassmark's Random Album Shoutout of the Week: Let's Go Bowling - "Freeway Lanes"

I once had a dream where someone asked who my favorite Marx Brother was, and I said Donna Summer. And everyone laughed. As if it made sense.

What's more dope than an isotope? Scope my rope and grope for hope. Elope the pope. Cope with soap. Rah first Op. Mope for a nope.

It's the best, no it's better; it's a cheddar in a sweater, it's a Shredder in a fetter, it's a cheesy Eddie Vedder!

Jim's Top 3 Songs That Sound Weird Not Played Together: 1. The Beatles 'Sgt. Pepper's/With a Little Help from My Friends 2. Queen 'We Will Rock You/We Are the Champions' 3. Green Day 'Brain Stew/Jaded'

The term alphabet is just the first 2 letters of itself - alpha and beta. Now, what the hello is a gammalamb?

Computer Talk: Lemme RAM my hard drive before you insert your floppy. Porn Talk: Lemme RAM my hard drive before you insert your floppy.

It's weird to think that many born today will grow up not knowing the tragedy behind a scratch in a CD causing songs to skip.

Lotsa lackluster in your dustbuster honey nutcluster now in a fluster from what I muster Last Stand of Custer where go Blockbuster?

Cassmark's Random Album Shoutouts of the Week: EPMD - Any of their albums with the word "Business" in them.

Cassboard Confessional: If the robot from Rocky IV came over singing Happy Birthday Paulie, I'd be so happy even though I'm not Paulie.

Cassfucius: Balderdash, poppycock, rigmarole, tommyrot, fecklessness, double-talk, malarkey, applesauce.

Garter snake, opaque lake, ice cream cake, belly ache, lie awake, bad remake, really fake, parking brake, my mistake, Plants by Jake.

A public service announcement: The Prnt Scrn buttonkey may save your life, be a tease, love you right, birds and bees.

Cassmark's Random Album Shoutout of the Week: k.d. lang - "Even Cowgirls Get the Blues"

Pretty sure that if I bought some vintage-ass food and/or beverages, like from 30+ years ago, I'd just be too curious and eat/drink them.

Until last night, never before have I looked at the moon and correctly thought "Ya know, that looks like a full moon." I'm a werewolf now.

If my dream catcher really worked, last night it should've caught a dolphin, a yam field, Buffalo Springfield, Morris Day & another dolphin.

What can I say about this cup? It's blue, plastic, filled with ice water, sexy, intelligent, sophisticated, independent, lovely.

Given professional wrestling, I wonder how many times that the fake refs mess up the count and actually tap three times to end a bout.

Tip from Jim: When you clap your hands when you don't really want to be, think of it as kind of giving yourself mini hi-fives.

With all of the re-runs of television series, I wish that someany station would play the Swamp Thing series sometime.

My grandma had a Sony alarm clock that would play the crappiest rendition ever of Here Comes the Sun as the alarm. It put me back to sleep.

From Jefferson Airplane to Jefferson Starship makes it seem a legitimate reality for a Jefferson Teleporter to happen.

Cassmark's Random Album Shoutout of the Week: Steve Hackett - "Voyage of the Acolyte"

Paraffin, Claritin, regimen, Sheraton, keratin, librarian, adrenaline, barbarian, gelatin, skeleton, terrapin, specimen.

No, I did not misspeaky. The moon looks like a waning croissant. I mentor it. Anyways, it's a waxing crescent if ya wanna get all Propel.

Happy 311 Day everyone! "On the town one light I'm a glow worm, for several hours wiggle jiggle like I'm a huge sperm."

B.I.R.B.W.T.S.G. = "Bitch, I'd rather be watching The Secret Garden."

Cassfucius: Sector the vector. Erector protector. Detector the spectre. Projector reflector.

Rubber bands, rubber boots, rubber tires, rubber suits, rubber stamps, rubber fruits, rubber ducks, rubber chutes. Where's my rubber cement?

Cassmark's Random Album Shoutout of the Week: Sugar Minott - "Reggae Legends"

'Did you know?': That Rambo casually went by his middle name, Richard?


The Ides of March: Live from an Arch, I'm your vehicle, baby, and I run on starch.

Math: (Sum 41 + Nine Inch Nails) x (10cc x 10 Years After) = Powerman 5000


"Do you know what I mean?".. Yes, yes, I do! You meant to ask if I comprehended what you'd said. In that case, no, no, I do not!

Tip from Jim: While making a bid on something, start by offering Sixpence None the Richer. If that's not enough, sing 'Kiss Me'.

Cassmark's Random Album Shoutout of the Week: Har Mar Superstar - "You Can Feel Me"

'Did You Know?': That Virginia Woolf wrote all of her books dancing?

Headstrong dead wrong ping pong in thong fork prong furlong Cheech Chong their bong theme song prolong King Kong bang gong sarong ding dong.

Tom, Tom, the piper's son, hot cross buns, see how they run, the clock struck one, the mouse ran down, hickory, dickory, dock!

Let's give Pat Sajak some credit in hosting Wheel of Fortune! I would've lost that job the first week calling someone a 'really dumb ass'!

Cassfucius: Flossage a sausage with glossage to tossage some drossage in lossage of mossage upon thy fosseage.

Why do gas stations always name gasoline 'unleaded'? As if getting 'leaded' gasoline will ever be an option again.

Top 3 Biggest Google Failures: 1. Google Diaper 2. Google Guillotine 3. Google Vibrate

Shape up or ship out, drape up or drip spout, grape up or grip grout, scrape up or scrip out.

Cassmark's Random Album Shoutout of the Week: Laurel Aitken - "Scandal in a Brixton Market"

I rememba when it was possible to call up a payphone and it'd start ringing. Someone answered for me once. I saved them 25 cents.

Hewlett-Packard, Packard Bell, Bell System, system Dell, Dell Curry, curry paste, paste cut copy, copy trace.

I was watching the downhill skiing event at the Sochi Olympics, and then Michael Phelps swam the course to win the Gold Medal Flour!

The creepiest thing that one can do is wink at someone while saying the word 'wink'.

If I ever have a real-life conversation similar to a senior life insurance commercial, I hope that I, too will be reading from cue cards.

Tip from Jim: While flipping a coin with someone for something, quickly give and then agree on these rules: Heads - I win. Tails - you lose.

Cackley gaggles, gobbley kibbles, Googley Goggles, doubley dribbles, savory bagels, nuggety nibbles, oddity gobbity, giggly gibbles.

Oxidize, oxidate, synchronize, syncopate, punctual, punctuate, simplify, simplicate!

Marilyn Manson said in an interview that he survives off of wolf feces and pepper spray. Why yes, I did just make that up!

She's a Larry, Moe Moe Moe, she's a Larry, talkin' about that Curly, Larry, and the Larry is Fine.

The keyboard song in the end of the Breakfast Club where Molly Ringwald gives that one chick a makeover; that scene was based on my life.

Without even a mere second thought on the matter, my favorite Beach Boys song is still "Help Me, Rodney".

I wonder if I hold onto my mp3 collection if it'll be worth something down the road? After all, most are still in mint condition!

"¯\_(ツ)_/¯ IDK SMH Y2K VGA, OPP USB WWW EXE" - Jim of Cassmark

Cassmark's Random Album Shoutout of the Week: Polaris - "Music From the Adventures of Pete & Pete"

A lesson in King's English: 'Bloody fuddy dippy slippy on the nippy, bloddy roddy lippy grippy on the nippy, hippie trippie on the nippy.'

Digital remastering will become so advanced that it'll be possible to restore the original sound on silent films.

Jeff Probst hosted 'Rock & Roll Jeopardy!'.. He once called a contestant the wrong name, and the guy responded such as 'It's okay, Alex.'

Jim's Top 3 Wishes He'd Have Granted by a Genie: 1. Unlimited wishes 2. Free unlimited anytime nationwide calls 3. 'Love Unlimited' CDs

Cassmercial: 'Just say No to drugs, Mo to Thugs, go to bugs, and blow to jugs!'

Magic nougat nugget nacho manja ninja stalwart poncho minion knuckle duppy honcho minuet stable crumpet gonzo.

Free rider, sea tider, Dee Snider, tea cider, tree glider, key hider, flea spider, 3-sider, divider, spree guider, bee wider, knee strider.

Cassmark's Random Album Shoutout of the Week: Johnny Socko - "Full Trucker Effect"

Fuzzy Wuzzy was a bear, Fuzzy Wuzzy had no hair, Fuzzy Wuzzy was the scariest fucking thing that I'd ever seen.

Cassmark's Random Album Shoutout of the Week: Redhead Kingpin and the F.B.I. - "A Shade of Red"

Cassboard Confessional: Every time 'Glory Days' comes on, I ad-lib my own daily story over Bruce's while sort of singing along.

If the Tecmo Super Bowl simulation is still anything accurate, I'll go ahead and predict the Houston Oilers to win this year's Super Bowl.

Tip from Jim: If someone starts telling you stupid stuff, ask them if they have an Aunt Rhody.. because they should go and tell her.

I always thought it'd be clever if there was a button on the TV that one could push and it would sound off the missing remote controller.

Say, how come cartoons never have gag reels? The actors must be very well trained in them.

Cassmark's Random Album Shoutout of the Week: The Flaming Lips - "Zaireeka"

When I find Moe-self in times of scuffle, brother Larry comes to me, speaking words of wisdumb: Let Curly.

I survive well in frozen tundra, my mom uses Wondra, these ain't no conundra, piss paint Poe pundra, I'm listening to Sun Ra.

"Da da da doo, da da da da da dee dee dee dee dee Dee dee dee dee bah de boah de boah boo ba boo doo." - Spin Doctors 'Two Princes' lyrics

Cassmark's Random Album Shoutout of the Week: Wipers - "Over the Edge"

Cassmark's Random Album Shoutout of the Week: The Tubes - "What do You Want from Live"

Home home on domain, where the sphere & the point & slope play, where seldom is erred an incalculable third & the rise is not runny all day.

Cassboard Confessional: I cried when the castaways were found and brought to Hawaii by the Coast Guard in 'Rescue from Gilligan's Island'.

Cassmark's Random Album Shoutout of the Week: Swirlies - "Blonder Tongue Audio Baton"

Feels like the third time (It feels like the third time). It feels like the very third time (Very, very, it feels).

Ever notice some of the ridiculous stats that SportsCenter gives? Such as 'Most MLB strikeouts in 4th inning by pitcher who is 5'8" tall'?

Cassmark's Random Album Shoutout of the Week: The Feelies - "Crazy Rhythms"

Alex Trebek must be clairvoyant, because he answers questions correctly most of the time before contestants try and even ask them.

Cassboard Confessional: I think that the least interesting thing about 'The World's Most Interesting Man' is that he drinks Dos Equis.

Cassmark's Random Album Shoutout of the Week: Sparklehorse - "Vivadixiesubmarinetransmissionplot"

'Did you know?': That texting is easiest with a standard off-white 25-channel cordless base/handset phone model with folding antenna?

"Flappiness is a horned dun (fang fang, hoot hoot)" - Woodsy Owl

In a good way, the end to the Yes song "I've Seen All Good People" reminds of the end to Strawberry Alarm Clock's "Incense and Peppermints".

Extra credit: Calling the science teacher a 'mean ol' asshead' and convincing them that you gave compliment by calling them an 'amino acid'.

Cassmark's Random Album Shoutout of the Week: Klaatu - "3:47 EST"

Tip from Jim: Cook some Creepy Crawlers in an Easy-Bake Oven while the brownies are baking; it will save time. Tell friends they're gummies.

A strange thing about the 'Back to the Future' futuristic sports almanac: there would be new winning teams that haven't been created yet.

Cassmark's Random Album Shoutout of the Week: Trachtenburg Family Slideshow Players - "Vintage Slide Collections from Seattle, Vol. 1"

When I was a kid, I wrote this story about how Johnny Appleseed planted seeds in the Headless Horseman's neck to make him become Appleface.

'Did you know?': That Lynyrd Skynyrd is actually pronounced 'Lynn heard skibbadabeebop doo boo da boo bah bah'?

Lattice the lettuce, lava the guava, radify the radish, cup of Jo the java.

Whenever I watch COPS, I think that it's rather impressive for the cop cameramen to keep up with running all while filming.

Jim's Top 3 Names to Call Troll Dolls By: 1. Wishniks 2. Norfins 3. Dam Dolls without clothes

Here comes the pun, doo doo doo doo, here comes the pun, and I say, it's alright.

Cassmark's Random Album Shoutout of the Week: The Munsters - "At Home with the Munsters"

Soup Doggy Dogg wogg wogg wogg wogg. Bow wow wow yippie yo yippie yay, tomato bisque is the soup of the day!

I took my troubles down to Moe-cut crew, you know that dipsy with the bold-slapped fools, he's got a pad down on Curly-fourth and Vine, sellin' little bottles of Love Potion Larry Fine.

"These hoots r made for squawking, and that's just what they'll do. One of these days these hoots r gonna squawk all over ewe." - Woodsy Owl

"I can be your cyborg baby, I can kiss away the brain, I will scan by you forever, you can take my OS away." - Enrobot Iglesias

Cassmark's Random Album Shoutout of the Week: White Zombie - "Supersexy Swingin' Sounds"

Take a minute from your busy, cray cray life and wander on this ponder: How much different would it be without the invention of towels?

Take a Moe off Larry. Take a Moe, Curly. Take a Moe off Larry. And (and) (and) you can put the Moe right on three.

When you are with me, I'm free. I'm careless, I believe. Above all the others we'll fly. This brings tears to my eyes. My sack of rice.

Cassboard Confessional: When I was a young student, I thought that Amelia Earhart was spelled 'Emilia Airheart'.

Cassmark's Random Album Shoutout of the Week: Helium - "The Dirt of Luck"

There was this Komodo in a kimono at Kokomo from Kyoto; it sold quinoa and risotto grown in Lesotho via telephoto.

"Tempted by the hoot of another, tempted but the hoot is discovered. What's been flowin' on, now that you have spawned, there's no souther." - Woodsy Owl

Cassmark's Random Album Shoutout of the Week: U.S.D.A. - "Cold Summer"

Cassmark's Random Album Shoutout of the Week: "ESPN Presents: Jock Jams, Volume 2"

"Rock and roll hootchy hoot, lordy llama bite my moose, rock and roll hootchy hoot, stomp on trout and dread the zoos." - Woodsy Owl

"Button hole, poppycock, pussy willow, on my jock." - Jim of Cassmark

You make me so Larry happy, I'm so glad you came into my Fine.

I've got two words for you: two words.

"Go on, take the bunny and run. Go on, take the bunny and run. Hoot hoot hoo!" - Woodsy Owl

Boone Dan. Come together with your hands. Save me. On together with your lands. Save me!

Cassmark's Random Album Shoutout of the Week: GWAR - "This Toilet Earth"

'Did you know?': That the Quaker Oats Man posed for his infamous oatmeal portrait when he was 26 years old?

"There's a squirrel that's been on my mind. All the time: Hoot-Hoot-Hootio. Oh, oh." - Woodsy Owl

And there's a Curly in this harbor town, and he works layin' whiskey down, they say "Moe-dee, fetch another round". He serves them Larry and Fine.

Cassmark's Random Album Shoutout of the Week: Less Than Jake - "Bootleg a Bootleg, You Cut Out the Middleman"

In unsuccessful attempts to get me to eat it, my Grandma used to tell me that Colombo Yogurt was inspired by the TV show Columbo.

Cassmark's Top 3 Things to Do with Money: 1. Spend It 2. Accumulate It 3. Nothing

Cassboard Confessional: I sometimes slip up and call the 'hash tag' a 'pound button'.

When I'm happy, I make the Wilhelm Scream sound.. When I'm ecstatic, I make the Howie Scream sound.

My educated guess is that the next sequel in the series will be titled 'Pirates of the Caribbean: The Legend of Curly's Gold'.

All you need is Sriracha. All you need is Sriracha. All you need is Sriracha, Sriracha. Sriracha is all you need.

"I make make money, call me Phillip Banks. Boo Boo Honey, Tom Petty, Cher Sonny, Tom Hanks." - Lil Wayne

Yo, all I need is one bike, one seat, one brake, one ninja stunt my pace on the front gauge.

The Phantom of the Opie is there, inside my mind. The Phantom of the Oprah is there, inside my grind.

Someday, the bands Europe and Asia will merge into one ginormous supergroup 'Eurasia'.

If anyone would like to film me in a movie titled 'The Last Action Sparrow', get at me.

When I marry Madonna, will I legally not have a last name?

'Did you know?': That Megadeth's 'Peace Sells' bassline was the sound clip used in MTV News briefs?

You say 'toe may tow', I say 'toe motto', ewe say 'Poe tay tow', eye say 'Poe tot toe'.

"There goes paranoid Floyd. Why so vague, Howard Sprague? Now there Gomer, that's a misnomer. Say Barn, I don't give a darn." - Andy Taylor

Top 3 other things named Cassmark: 1. Asian-based clothing company 2. Cassette Marker 3. Couples named Cassie and Mark's online profile name

Before entry into Leisure Suit Larry 1, you must answer 3 multiple-choice questions to verify adulthood. FYI, a Nehru jacket is out of date.

Sometimes, I look up at the stars and wonder where all of the expired Taco Bell sauce packets go.

"When I first saw you, I already knew. There was something inside of you. Something I thought that I would never find. Larry of Fine." - 'Moe'-nica

You can choose from phantom fears and kindness that can killy. I will choose a path that's clear: I will choose Free Willy.

Once, I was the drummer at a comedy club.. I liked this one joke so much, I did a 7 minute solo instead of a rimshot.

After the end credits in 'Masters of the Universe', Skeletor's head pops up and says "I'll be back!".. You lied, Skeletor. You lied to me.

"Hooty frutti, oh hooty. Hooty frutti, oh hooty. A whop bop-a-lu a whop bam hoot." - Woodsy Owl

Alice Cooper once told a story on his radio show about him and his band coming across Larry Fine at a bus stop in Hollywood circa the mid-'60s. It was beautiful.

"Ruck roo, Raggy. Ruck rye Rick." - Scooby Doo

Cassboard Confessional: I will only type with keyboards that have both an 'Enter' and a 'Return' key.

Tip from Jim: Try not to throw your partially used Fun Dip stick at the lunch lady's head.

Dramarama, Bananarama, Kalorama, Alabama. Bahama Mama, Bad Mamma Jamma, Pound on a Tama, Lambda Lambda Lambda.

One of the teenage-year bands that I was in named a song 'Mof', because we wanted a shorter version of the word 'Mofo'.

"Fricative you, you bumbly bimbicile!" - Jim of Cassmark

'Did you know?': That it takes about 142 licks to reach the center of a Tootsie Pop?

I've been in my mind, it's Larry Fine line. That keeps me searching for a heart of Moe. And I'm Curly Joe.

"Pared, paired, peared. Rode, road, rowed. Haired, hared, heired. Toad, towed, toed." - Jim of Cassmark

'Sunshine Rain' - Umbrella on my head, parasol in the grass; shield me from the wet, shade my tanning ass.

"Hey, man you cookin' linguine? Shake it out. You gotta keep 'em separated." - The Offspring

Jim's 2013 Post-game Prediction for Game 7 of the NBA Finals: The Miami Heat will defeat the San Antonio Spurs in regulation 95-88.

'Did you know?': That Funky Cold Medina left out to heat up in sunlight will turn into Ecto Cooler?

Larry on my wayward Fine, there'll be peas where you go dine. Lay your merry bread to breast, don't throw pie no more.

‘Did you know?’: That the Meow Mix song was a rejected number from the CATS musical written by Boots von Furball?

"Bitch, I've got more mussels than Vin Diesel." - Long John Silver

I am yours, Larry Fine, you are what you are, and you make it hard.

"Zip-a-dee-doo-dah, booyah, moolah, ooh la la, cha-cha-cha, ooh ee ooh ah ah, rah-rah sis-boom-bah." - Jim of Cassmark

Uncertain why Slade (& Quiet Riot) used the given spelling for their hit 'Cum on Feel the Noize'.. Who's ever seen noize spelled like that?

As a teen, I found The Who's 'Live at Leeds' in an old record box. Inside was their Woodstock contract amongst other band-related papers.. I thought I was going to have a great payday! Turned out that every original copy of that record had those replicated documents inside.

10 years ago, it was a very close call on what to name my musical situation.. It was between Cassmark ('Sarcastic Remark') and The Shemptations. I still dig both.

All we are saying is give Flea some pants.

As a ventriloquist, I don't even attempt to hide my mouth from moving while speaking as the puppet's voice. It works when the audience looks solely at the puppet.

(Nice ass!!) 'Say, that's my face!'

"I'm not a nude artist. I'm just a nude Amish man visiting this fine city showin' what he's knowin'." - Amish John Hancock, the streets, 1:30 A.M.

I fell asleep to Incubus, then dreamt about a succubus, so I have a built-in abacus, and the face of Snuffleupagus.

'Did you know?': That there is nothing blue collar about the Blue Collar Comedy Tour?

Larry Fine, stay close to me, don't let me be in love, it's tearin' apart my blue, blue heart.

There is a much better chance of our horoscope being accurate if we read all twelve signs and pick out which one is the best for us.

Most people don't know this about me: I'm a nun.

I can sound like the Mortal Kombat 'Toasty!' guy.. Never have I figured out the Street Fighter 'Hadouken' without making it sound like Wizzo from Bozo.

The only microwave times that I punch in and use to heat food are the numbers that Ludacris shouts out in 'Area Codes'.

'Did you know?': That the Red Baron's greatest WWI victory was the infamous '4-Cheese Pizza with Rising Crust'?

The stripper nipples in Duke Nukem 3D have to be the most inaccurate portrayal of stripper nipples ever.

You know, now that you mention it.. I am a lot like Val Venis!

Just as Patience and Prudence, you're an Awesome Possum. Say hello to Six, if you're gonna be on Blossom.

Everybody had a hard year, everybody had a good time, everybody had a wet dream, everybody saw Larry Fine. Oh yeah.

If you're havin' mural problems I feel bad for you son. I got 99 problems, but a kitsch ain't one.

'Ice Cream of the Future' was first tried by yours truly in 1998. In actuality, my first taste from back then was produced at the Dippin' Dots plant today!

Larry, Larry Fine contrary, how does your garden grow? With silver bells and cockle shells and Curly, Shemp, and Moe.

Me thinks that I'm accurately remembering that the guy who voiced the Dad Stu in 'Rugrats' was also a main voice in a handful of 'Country Crock' commercials.

Gordon Lightfoot would have also been a great boxing name. Almost Butterbean status.

"Kiss my Cass, yo suck my kiss, Jim's got the sass, given the abyss." - Anthony Kiedis

The original Viacom theme is the greatest 3-second song ever.

I believe in your porpoise baby. Coming up to the swordfish and maybe I'll never sea you again. Then a wren who rows? Lake sea river, hands gill liver. Krill yacht all the brinks that I woulda gizzard. Yeah, yeah but it's slow rowing..

There's a pagoda next to Qdoba where Abe Vigoda creates in Crayola an ad for Toyota while on his Motorola singing L-O-L-A drinking RC Cola.

If the proof is in the pudding and I eat the pudding, would I be living proof?

-1 is the loneliest number that you'll ever do. -2 can be as bad as -1; it's the loneliest number since the number -1..

Last dance with Larry Fine, one more time to Sol the Pine. I feel summer sleepin' in and I'm tired of Chris Brown again.

I just called Pizza Hut and asked them to deliver me their 'The Land Before Time' hand puppets! Oh boy, only 45 minutes to an hour and $447.88!

Marquee malarkey, Tom Chambers, Charles Barkley. Suns, puns, sons of a nun, done.

What has happened to the cat that was in that one Paula Abdul video? It's just a shame that I haven't seen him in anything else since..

It's 5 o'clock somewhere.. Actually, it's either a quarter to 5 or a quarter to 6 at the closest.

If there's no such thing as a dumb/bad question, do smart/good ones exist?

When I was 8 or so, the Easter Bunny's tail had fallen off at the mall. It was at that moment that I realized the Easter Bunny wore Levi's 501s.

I woke up to write down 'plastic butt case'.. On a napkin, in good cursive..

My blood type is 'garlic-infused'.

Shish kabob, Shawshank Redemption, Chicago.. Shakira, Cher, Sha Na Na.. Shikaka!

When is Babyface going to change his name to FullyGrownManface?

'Did you know?': That The Righteous Brothers were credited with building the world's first successful airplane?

To me, 3/11 is an official holiday. Most of the day is spent speaking in 311 lyrics. "You're all up in my mix like fuckin' Betty Crocker. You think you're playing me, but actually you're a jocker."

I love you, and I need you. Nelly, I love you. I do. Need you.

In the early 1800s, the U.S. Mint had issued the '37-and-a-half-cent piece'. A somewhat rare and short-lived alternative to the half-dollar, it featured the Quaker Oats Man on the front and was made of lead, wood, and oatmeal.

'Did you know?': That T-Pain can rhyme the words 'mansion' and 'Wisconsin'?

I start off dancing the Macarena and unintentionally end doing the Grease hand jive.

Grand Champions: The most beautiful horses in the world.

Age doesn't mean a whole lot to me.. Except for the people that were either one grade level above or below me in school.

Baby's good to me. You know, she's happy as can be. You know, she said so. I'm in love with her like Larry Fine.

There was a Batman cereal that came with this plastic Batman bank. I'd like to get an unopened box just to see how it stood up over time by eating it; the bank, that is.

I'm a glitch, I'm a glover, I'm a wild, I'm a strutter, I'm a dinner, I'm a paint; I do not feel untamed. I'm your bell, I'm your beam, I'm nothing but a green; you know you wouldn't have it any other cray.

Whatever happened to Gilbert Brown Peanut Butter?

"You juice your fucking friends like Dracula, but when we kick you out you're just Brokula." - 311

Whenever I try singing Yankee Doodle Dandy, I always mess it up, resulting in Y.D.D. sticking a feather in his macaroni ass.

I'm not dreaming in color, I'm dreaming in Color Me Badd!

Frankenstein is a book and a movie about a doctor named Victor Frankenstein and a monster named monster.

"You idiot! I didn't say that I needed more violence.. I said that I needed more violins!" - Yo-Yo Ma

I wonder if you could mentor a Furby to eat a Beanie Baby..

The BASIC programming language was released after several years of failure under it's first known protocol 'BALSAMIC'.

'Did you know?': Edgar Winter's original name for the instrumental hit "Frankenstein" was "Larry Fine"?

If you say Beetlejuice three times, he's going to appear before you. If you say Beetlejuice twelve times, all the Michael Keaton characters from 'Multiplicity' will be there.

"I like the Wizard of Oz. I like the Tin Man." - Jim of Cassmark

"Who's the buffoony that spelled my name 'Gnome'?" - Noam Chomsky

"All I wanna do is have some pun, I got a feeling I'm not the only one." - Jim of Cassmark

Once my mom, my friends and I were at a Mighty Mighty Bosstones concert, and Dicky Barrett hit on my mom while he was grabbing a drink. She told us some strange guy was hitting on her until she saw Dicky up on stage and did the math.

About 2 out of every 5 times that I'm in a supermarket, 'Walking in Memphis' comes on over their soundsystem.

This is a haiku, for Richard Petty the Great, loving jackalopes.

I'm a daydream believer that Chubby Checker is synonymous to Fats Domino.

When I'd heard the newly released and censored version of Eminem's "My Name Is", and he asked "Hi kids, do you like Primus?"... I was like Yeah.

As far as elementary yearbook pictures go, 3 of mine happen to situate me sporting Chicago Bulls t-shirts. Damn right.

"Patience is a vulture." - Jim of Cassmark

This is the fourth e-mail I've received telling me that Paula Cole is coming to town.

This is the third e-mail I've received telling me that Paula Cole is coming to town.

"Easies breezies through the treesies makey me pleasies." - Jim of Cassmark

I used to convince people that John Stamos was the singer of the 'Full House' theme song.

If anybody that was named Robert as a baby was instead named Robot, their life would probably be a lot different.

But I would walk around 5 miles, and I would walk about 5 more. Just to be the man who walked approx 10 miles to visit Pauly Shore.

The mind plays tricks on you. You play tricks back! It's like you're unraveling a big cable-knit sweater that someone keeps knitting and knitting and knitting and knitting and knitting and knitting...

Trot around the yard, Jim Dandy, with that mane so beautiful. Roam around the yonder, love stud, and graze around the field for acorns.

Xavier McDaniel, you've got a friend in me.

"Sick my duck." - Jim of Cassmark

"I can't go to a bad movie by myself. What, am I gonna make sarcastic remarks to strangers?" - Jerry Seinfeld

Oh Ring-A-Ding Double Fudge Dewey Decimal System.

"Jim of Cassmark is the spitting embodiment of the artist we have all come to know as Cher." - Cher

"Sigh, I'm just a guy that can fly birdee sky singy pie peter pie bunny eye." - Jim of Cassmark

"I am not available because I am playing a computer game that takes up the whole screen." - Jim of Cassmark

"Jimba, you must take your place in the circle of fifths." - Mufasa's spirit

"Jim, he's my little cupcake." - Jemima Puddleduck

"Who is a cantalouped cornucopia?" - One of Jim's wrong responses on Jeopardy

"Jim of Cassmark, why, he ate my award-winning pickles with a smile on his face. Bless him." - Aunt Bee

"I love Jim." - Fred McGriff

"Jim brought his guitar and played some strings, and then the birds flew down and landed on his shoulders." - David the Gnome